The Blind Leading the Blind
by mentos046
Summary: Ruby Rose is a perfectly normal 15-year-old girl, honest. Ozpin can quit drinking coffee anytime he wants. Jaune is the butt of all the cosmic jokes and Pyrrha's days are numbered. Ren's sense of humour is an abomination the likes of which can terrify even Salem. Nora *may* have had something to do with that. Due to the 384 character limit, the unabridged synopsis is available insi
1. Pilot

**Full Synopsis (because 384 characters is a severe limitation):**

 **Ruby Rose is a perfectly normal 15-year-old girl. She is, honest! Ozpin can quit drinking (coffee, yeah, totally coffee) anytime he wants. Glynda doesn't get paid enough for this. Jaune is the butt of all the cosmic jokes and Pyrrha's days are numbered. Ren's sense of humor is an eldritch abomination the likes of which would engender terror in even Salem's unfeeling heart and Nora, being Nora,** ** _may_** **have had something to do with that. These are the only people standing between us and the Grimm?!**

 **Oh wait, that was supposed to be a statement.**

 **Rated T for non-graphic violence, and censored language.**

* * *

 **Beginning Notes**

 **I have a short break from my classes, so I decided to finally do something with this account, other than just stalk the archives. If I manage to get ahead of my assignments, I might write something more, but once classes start back up I rather doubt I'll have much time for anything else.**

 **I suppose I should put a disclaimer here: I don't own RWBY, or any other intellectual properties that I am borrowing to write this.**

 **Now, with that out of the way, let's talk about what you should expect from this: namely, nothing. Don't take this seriously, any of it. This is a parody. As such, the characters do not have to adhere to any characterization, and you will see them deviate a lot; both from their canon characters, which I rather doubt they were ever in from the beginning of this, as well as from the ones established for them in the course of this writing. You may see one character behave in a way that makes them seem creepy, then they will turn around and be perfectly normal. This is how things are going to be; they will not adhere to any one characterization, their character will be whatever it needs to be for the jokes at that time, so don't expect consistent behavior from anyone.**

Pilot

* * *

 ** _Vale_**

Our story takes place in the land of Remnant. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the moon is… broken? That...might be a problem. Well, at least the wildlife… all want to kill you?! Why would anyone willingly stay here?! Oh well, you take what you can get, I suppose.

Our story begins with a group of men strolling very nonchalantly through the streets and… holy crap, his hair is fabulous! What does he use? Where do I get some of it? Look at that crowd, all parting in awe at that magnificent hair. Anyway, they stroll up to a dust store like...wait a minute, "dust store?" You mean you can sell that stuff? I have a goldmine under my bed! Oh, wait, wrong dust. Apparently, it's something different. Crap.

Anyway, mister smooth criminal struts up to this shop, and he and his thugs open the door, instead of bursting through the windows like some maniac, before walking up to the counter. The clerk doesn't see one of the thugs carrying a rather bulky handgun, but he is probably just distracted by that magnificent hair. Once at the counter, the thug holding the gun raises it and points it at the clerk.

The one in the white suit says, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a dust-"

"My God, your hair is amazing, what products do you use?" interrupted the clerk.

"Just give me the Dust."

"For that hair, absolutely."

The criminal, who we find out at some point is named "Roman Torchwick", because I'm running out of ways to refer to him, gives the order, and the thugs begin collecting dust.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Why are you just standing there, you morons?"

"You told us to collect dust, sir"

"Not dust, idiots. Dust!"

"I don't understand the difference."

"One of them is capitalized."

"How are we supposed to hear that? Capitalization can only be seen."

"Just do it!"

* * *

 ** _Inside of From Dust Till Dawn_**

While collecting the Dust, one of the thugs spies a curious sight. There is a little girl reading a weapon magazine. Not a _weapons_ magazine, she is staring at the metal case that slots into a gun and holds the ammunition. I don't know why, either. She is bobbing her head at an energetic pace while looking intently at the chunk of metal in her hands, and the thug's first thought is that she believed it was talking to her. He had heard stories of people like that and they made him want to stay far away from the girl, but there were a few containers of Dust near her that he had to empty. The thug mustered all the courage he could and moved cautiously toward the potential lunatic and, to his credit, eventually stopped squealing every time she moved.

Once he got close enough to see the girl's face, though, everything changed. She was wearing a pair of headphones. This, combined with the rapid head bobbing lead the thug to believe that she was listening to some pop music. Ever since he could remember this particular thug had hated pop music. He never knew why, and we never will either since he won't be around for too much longer. The fear suddenly faded, and was replaced with rage and loathing.

"Hey!"

If the girl heard, she didn't show it.

"I said, 'Hey'!"

Again, no response.

The thug pulled the headphones off her head while grumbling about teenagers.

"Stupid teens and their happy-peppy pop songs about rainbows and unicorns and spa-"

"Cahf ah nafl mglw'nafh hh' ahor syha'h ah'legeth, ng llll or'azath syha'hnahh n'ghftephai n'gha ahornah ah'mglw'nafh," came the voice from the headphones.

There may have been a conversation after that, but Roman's hair calls to me, so I must go.

* * *

 ** _Inside of From Dust Till Dawn_**

The camera man was too distracted by Roman's hair to look at anything else, so while everything was going on he stayed in one of the aisles, filming Roman rather than doing something helpful, like calling the local law enforcement. As it happens, the camera man was perfectly positioned to see the thug who had removed Ruby's headphones get punted into a display. The display was destroyed and the items on it were damaged. Another thug, seeing his compatriot go flying, went to find the source of the disturbance, and saw Ruby.

"Hey, are you all right, kid?" asked Thug #2 "I just saw one of my allies get knocked into a display, there might be something dangerous around-"

Thug #2's concern for the wellbeing of children was rewarded with a swift kick through a window, doing yet more property damage. Ruby followed this up by jumping out of the window, and landing on Thug #2's stomach, potentially irreparably damaging his internal organs. Are we sure that she's the good guy?

The guy sitting under that _glorious_ hair... err, Roman saw the commotion, and ordered his thugs to commence an attack on her. After walking out the door, and closing it behind them like sensible people, the thugs saw Ruby unfolding her massive scythe, and huddled up.

"That's got to be a huntress. We learned about them at Generic Thug Academy."

"We need to get out of here; those people are insane. Not in a good way either, like actual nutjobs who run around destroying things for fun."

"I heard one of them burned a town to the ground to kill a spider."

"Yeah, but there was a spider, so that's okay…"

"You think if we surrender, she'll let us live?"

"Does that answer your question?" one of the thugs said, while gesturing to Ruby, who was twirling her scythe like a giant fan of death and shouting,

"Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!"

"Be a grunt, my mother said. See the world, she said."

Ruby charged.

 **Sponsored Advertisement**

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 **GTA is a fully accredited institution for learning the fine art of being a criminal peon.**

 **Courses include:**

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 **Professional Robbery**

 **Basic Intimidation (Prerequisite) and Advanced Intimidation**

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 **and much more.**

 **Tuition is reasonable, especially if the money used is stolen.**

 **Background check required.**

 **Come to GTA, and get your future started today.**

* * *

 ** _Outside of From Dust Til Dawn_**

After robbing the Dust shop, Roman walked out to find Red ruthlessly stomping his Grunts'R'Us thugs. Ever time they tried to run away, she used what he assumed was her semblance to speed up the spinning of her scythe until it looked like a giant fan and sounded like a chainsaw. It actually began sucking the grunts in, despite their frantic retreat.

"You were worth every cent. Truly you were." He said to the heap of groaning bodies on the ground.

Red just stared, unblinking, at him.

"…"

"…"

"Aren't you going to do something?"

"What's a 'cent'?"

"A 'cent'? Are you that dense, girl? A cent is a…"

"…"

"Wait a minute... What _is_ a cent? The context of my statement would imply that it's some kind of currency, but the only currency used in Remnant is Li-"

He was interrupted by a boot to the face.

"Don't care anymore, fight now," said Red.

" _I_ _need to get away, now_." thought Roman. He pointed his cane at the ground by her feet and pulled the trigger, praying to who or whatever would listen that it wouldn't misfire

*click*

*click*

*click*

Of course, nothing could ever go his way. Fortunately, Red seemed content to sit there while he attempted to fire at her feet.

" _Not very intelligent, is she?_ " he thought.

*click*

*click*

*click*

Eventually, he managed to get his cane to fire, and the shot exploded beneath the her feet, spraying smoke and debris everywhere. In the chaos of the explosion, Roman ran to a nearby fire escape to take to the rooftops.

*BOOM*

*BOOM*

*BOOM*

Several louder explosions followed his shot, and he realized that the girl was following him. He looked back, and saw her flying through the air, using the recoil from shooting her scythe- Wait, what? It's a gun?! How does that even work? I know Roman's cane was a gun, but at least that's somewhat plausible. …Anyway, she used the recoil to propel herself through the air.

" _Is she insane? She's shooting at people!_ " thought Roman. He looked down to where she came from, and saw a destroyed lamp post (which just happened to be Ozpin's favorite lamp post), and a man on the ground, holding his knee. The chase continued with much property damage, until they finally arrived on a rooftop.

"Persistent, aren't you."

Suddenly a bullhead rose from the alley below the rooftop, and Roman jumped onto it. Wait, what?

"I guess this is where we part ways, Red."

"Whoa! Cool! How did you teach that fish to fly?"

"…What?"

"How did you teach that fish to fly?" Ruby asked again "I've got a whole tank of them at home, but I can't figure out how to make them fly. They usually just hit a tree when I throw them."

…

…

Wait. Okay, I get it now. It's not the fish, it's some sort of airship. Forget that ever happened.

"I guess this is where we part ways, Red." Roman throws a crystal that he got from…somewhere onto the ground by Ruby's feet, and fires a shot from his cane. Meanwhile Ruby isn't moving at all. Seriously, she's just standing there. It isn't like it takes a tremendous amount of effort to sidestep. Or maybe she could just kick the crystal away, but no, she just stands there.

Fortunately for our heroine, someone drops down just in time to shield Ruby from the explosion. Or at least, someone tried to. As it happens though, Glyn- err, mysterious huntress lady landed about three feet away from Ruby, while the crystal had landed right beneath Ruby's feet.

"Oops," said mysterious huntress lady with no remorse whatsoever. Then she summoned a magic circle.

" _In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight_ \- Wait, that's the wrong one. Okay, here we go, _Wingardium Levio_ \- no, that's not it either… _Persona_? Oh, screw this. _Magic Missile_!"

Purple projectiles sprayed from the magic circle, and impacted the ship. After the first barrage of magic, the mysterious huntress lady summoned magic clouds.

"We have a huntress," said Roman, who ran back inside the bullhead.

"Blizzaga!" yelled the mysterious huntress lady, and ice shards rained down on the ship.

The equally mysterious red-dress lady relinquished the controls to Roman, and walked to the door. Her left hand flashed, and suddenly it was on fire.

"Oh, God, Roman, my hands are on fire! Help!"

"Did you forget to wear gloves again, Cinder?"

"Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" shouted the now named Cinder, who was running frantically around the ship while shaking her hands.

Cinder's furious handshaking eventually caused the fire to spray out at Ruby and the huntress. And also the rest of the rooftop, every nearby open window, and a trick candle factory.

"Okay, it's out now, let's get back to the base," said Cinder, and Roman steered the bullhead away from the impending disaster.

'They're getting awa-"

*BOOM*

Mysterious huntress lady was interrupted by a gunshot from behind her; and she saw one of the engines on the bullhead explode. Roman and Cinder bailed out, because plot convenience, and flew away on jetpacks, because jetpacks. The bullhead, which was now beeping erratically and descending rapidly, crashed into a nearby building and exploded.

* * *

 ** _Interrogation Room_**

A light turns on and we see Ruby sitting at a table with mysterious huntress lady pacing around the room. There is a window and a door on one wall, but the rest is too dark to see.

"You're in a great deal of trouble miss, do you have any idea how much damage you did?"

"You were shooting at that airship, too. Are you saying you _weren't_ trying to knock it down?"

Suddenly the door burst open and in walked a man with a giant thermos and a plate of cookies. He set the cookies down and Ruby immediately began eating them. A relatively laid-back air permeated the room while Ruby was chowing down, and she paused long enough for a comment.

"Just like mother used to make," Ruby said, and resumed eating the cookies.

"Glynda made those cookies," said the mysterious man, because I'm tired of writing "mysterious huntress lady".

"Headmaster, how did you get the police to let us use the interrogation room?" asked Glynda.

"I have a friend in the police force, his name is Detective Thorn." responded the now titled headmaster.

Introductions were made and Ozpin remarked about Ruby's eyes. Then suddenly, the laid-back air disappeared and the tension that replaced it was so strong that it actually stopped Ruby from eating the cookies. She found the look in Ozpin's eyes to be scary, as if he was boring into her very soul.

Ozpin turned gestured to Glynda, who raised an iPa...er, a scroll with a video waiting to start.

"Where did you learn to do this?" asked Ozpin.

The video on the scroll showed Ruby eviscerating the grunts, then they stop for a minute to stare in awe at Roman's hair, Ruby destroying various parts of the street she was on, she could have sworn that she saw a tear fall from Ozpin's eyes at the part where she shot the lamp post, and finally, Ruby shooting down a bullhead. Ozpin dropped a folder on the table in front of Ruby.

"Do you have any idea what was on that bullhead you blew up?" asked Ozpin.

"Stolen dust?" responded Ruby, confused.

"Wrong," said Ozpin with an intense look in his eyes, "Look at this shipping manifest."

"But this isn't-"

"Look at it!"

"…" Ruby looked at the papers in the folder.

"That bullhead was full of injured, orphan puppies, and you shot it down."

"Sir, I don't see any-"

"Do you know where it crashed, Miss Rose?"

"No, but this isn't a-"

"It crashed into a hospital," said Ozpin, "for injured, orphan puppies."

"Well, at least they were where they needed to-"

"Then it exploded."

"Oh, oops."

"That explosion ignited four fuel stations."

"But-"

"Then those fuel stations blew up two more injured, orphan puppy hospitals."

"…"

"Each."

At this point, Ruby was beginning to tire of getting interrupted.

"Well, why were there so many hospitals so close to fuel stations? Who even _uses_ fuel? Everything is powered by Dust, isn't it?"

Ruby's sudden hostility shocked Ozpin into silence.

"And another thing, this isn't a manifest. It looks like a drawing made by a particularly dull five-year-old."

Ozpin recoiled at that, and Glynda moved in to intervene.

"Miss Rose, the headmaster worked very hard on that," said Glynda, "you apologize this instant."

It's true, he did work very hard on it. In fact, he worked so hard on it, that he forgot to pour the coffee into his twelve-liter thermos of Irish Coffee that morning. After a few minutes of Ozpin wailing about Ruby being a "dumbhead", Glynda gave him his thermos, and he eventually forgot what he was upset about and calmed down.

"Let's go over this again, Miss Rose. You critically injured 3 men, condemned another to the fate of being a town guard, set a rooftop, several houses, and a trick candle factory on fire-"

"Hey, that wasn't me!"

"-destroyed _my favorite_ lamp post, wrecked a Dust shop, shot down a bullhead full of injured, orphan puppies, blew up four fuel stations and nine injured, orphan puppy hospitals, and stole a pair of headphones. Why should I let you into Beacon?"

Wait, who said anything about letting her into Beacon? That's a terrible idea.

"Wanna see how a dinosaur eats cookies?"

*Crunch*

*Crunch*

*Crunch*

"…You're in."

* * *

 ** _Outside of Interrogation Room_**

Ozpin and Glynda are standing outside of the interrogation room, with Ozpin munching lightly on one of the cookies.

"You should have seen it, Glynda, she's just as skilled as her mother was at that age, if not more."

"Be that as it may, headmaster-"

"I've never seen such an accurate impression of a dinosaur eating cookies, I could see an actual dinosaur eating cookies now, and think that it's fake."

"…I don't get paid enough for this s**t."

"What's in these cookies anyway, Glynda?"

"Mercury."

Ozpin spit the cookie out.

"No wonder he needed prosthetics."

"What?"

"Wait, does that make this...Soylent Black? IT'S PEOPLE!"

Ozpin scrambled toward the door of the building they were in, but Glynda shut it with her magic.

"Not the person, headmaster, the element."

"Oh, that's…not much better."

 **CHAPTER END**

* * *

 **END NOTES**

 **Yes, those are injured, orphan puppy hospitals. They do not accept animals that don't satisfy all three requirements. They will not accept injured puppies if they are not orphans, they will not accept orphan puppies if they are not injured, and they will not accept non-puppies at all. Dog faunus children are murky territory, requiring approval from hospital executives on an individual basis, but must still satisfy the first two requirements. No puppies (injured, orphan, or injured and orphan) were harmed in the making of this fanfiction. They all got taken to Atlas instead (and that's not a euphemism for "a better place"), and the hospitals were empty when they exploded.**

 **The views and opinions expressed in this fanfiction do not represent my own; these characters were dramatized for the purpose of making people laugh. I don't have an unhealthy fixation with Roman's hair. I don't know if Cinder has a definite base of operations, or, if she does, where it is, but there needed to be one for the joke so there was one. Detective Thorn is a reference. If you looked up the Soylent Black thing (or if you didn't have to) then you already know that.**

 **With respect to update frequency, I've recently started classes and they've given me little time to do more than breathe. I have no idea how often I will be able to post anything, or how long this story will go on before I put it out of its misery. I don't pre-write anything, because that would require knowing where it is going, and if I knew where it was going, then I would lose all inclination to write it.**

 **I think that covers everything.**

* * *

 ***DELETED SCENE***

 **Ultimately, I decided to remove this one from the main body of the story, because I wasn't sure how many people would be offended by a joke about Roman's sexuality. Sexuality seems to be an incredibly touchy subject in the U.S., so some might find this more offensive than funny. It's still included here as a deleted scene, though, in case anyone wants to read it. By electing to read this despite knowing what it contains, however, you are waiving your right to be offended at the content therein, even if you don't read this bold print saying so.**

 ** _On The Bullhead_**

Roman was flying the bullhead back to their base of operations when he suddenly remembered something.

"You think you're funny, Cinder?"

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about, Roman."

"I asked you to procure an identity for me and schedule a visit to Vale, so that I could acquire the Dust inconspicuously."

"Yes."

"What part of _this_ seems inconspicuous to you?" Roman asked, showing a certificate with his photograph in it. "When I tried to get into Vale this morning, the customs officers were laughing the entire time they were checking me in."

*Flashback*

Roman, piloting a bullhead, approached the checkpoint to enter Vale. There he saw a customs officer checking people in.

"Welcome to Vale, what brings you here today?" said the officer.

"I'm here on some business." replied Roman

"Alright, I'll just look you up," said the officer, turning to his terminal, "what are you carrying?"

"Ah… um…"

"Ah, here we are, one order for entry of a bullhead containing a load of injured, orphan puppies bound for one of Vale's nine injured, orphan puppy hospitals"

"Yes, that's it, exactly." _I can't believe Cinder actually did something I asked her to._

"Alright, I'm printing a certificate now, have a good day Mr…Oh"

"What? What's wrong?"

"That's unfortunate."

"What is it?"

"Nothing. Have a good day," the officer snickered "… Mr. Blowman Torchlick."

Roman's eyes shot wide open as he took the certificate. _Cinder…_

*End Flashback*

"You scheduled my appointment under the name 'Blowman Torchlick', Cinder?"

Cinder exploded into laughter.

"I don't need you to make me look gay."

"I'll say."

Roman turned away, grumbling. The rest of the flight was conducted in silence, save for his grumbling. Once they landed, however, he spoke up again.

"How did you convince Vale's customs officials that 'Blowman Torchlick' was a real name?"

"I didn't. I never even set up an appointment for you to enter Vale."

"But you said-"

"I agreed that you asked me to, yes, but I never said that I did. And I would advise that the next time you go to speak to me that way, you reconsider. Now run along, I believe that you have some torches to lick." Cinder snickered.

"...Then who set the appointment up? Vale's customs office doesn't let people in for business without verifying the party by image, so someone had to have set the appointment up using my picture."

"Don't know, don't care."

"You don't seriously expect me to believe that there is someone out there who looks exactly like me, but is named 'Blowman Torchlick', do you?"

* * *

 ** _A Bar Somewhere In Atlas_**

Roman, or someone who looks exactly like him is sitting in a pub, drinking. The bartender approaches him to speak.

"What happened, B?" asks the bartender.

"Those idiots at Vale's customs office wouldn't let me in."

"Why not?"

"They said someone had already taken my appointment, and that I must be an impostor."

"Seriously? What are the odds of someone else having such an unfortunate name? Well, what happened to the puppies?"

"I took them to a hospital here, in Atlas."

* * *

 **See, no puppies were harmed.**


	2. Yesterday's News

Yesterday's News

"For it is in passing that we achieve immortality. Through this, we become a paragon of virtue and glory to rise above all. Infinite in distance and unbound by death, I release your soul, and by my shoulder, protect thee."

-Pyrrha Nikos

That definitely doesn't sound foreshadow-y at all, no, sir.

 **Rated hard T for non-explicit nudity.**

* * *

 _ **Mistral**_

It's another beautiful day in Mistral, and Pyrrha Nikos, The Invincible *cough*Ironic*cough* Girl, just won yet another tournament. She is currently walking around a festival held in her honor. There are banners, balloons, collectible tchotchkes (whatever those are) all emblazoned with Pyrrha Nikos: 4th Time Winner of Mistral's Vaguely Established Championship. That's exactly what they all say. Millions of Lien spent on collectibles; just imagine how embarrassing that would have been if she had lost.

Pyrrha is walking around the plaza serving as the festival grounds, looking at her many fans, and also the people who enjoy her matches.

"Long Live Pyrrha!" her fans shout.

"Thank you, Thank you," she says

"Long Live Pyrrha!" they shout again, just in case it wasn't abundantly clear the first time that this is a reference to her impending death.

Pyrrha was cursed, you see. Everywhere she went, things predicted her death. Every fortune teller with a crystal ball told her it would be slow and painful. Novelty machines alleged to measure ones predicted lifespan mysteriously sparked and exploded when she walked near them. Ghosts mistook her for their older relatives. She once made a paper fortune teller for herself and wrote "You will live a long, happy life" on _all_ of the inside sections, and still managed to get something about dying when she tried it. It was beginning to wear on her nerves.

She had tossed and turned in the night, and woke belly up. While dressing for the day, she found the only overcoat she had was wooden. Then she accidentally kicked a bucket as she was departing.

When she arrived at the arena for the tournament that day, she found that the number assignment machine was on the blink. Her ticket said her number was "up". Curiously enough, it worked fine for everyone else.

When the tournament ended for the day, and the participants were bowing, Pyrrha took the last one. As she was signing things for people, she accidentally bought a farm.

The only things that didn't try to tell her she was going to die were her fans. Not people, the mechanical fans that blow air. She has a collection of them, and she takes them everywhere she goes. The fans are completely loyal to Pyrrha; they will _never_ betray her.

"Pyrrha, stop talking to those fans, and get over here," said her mother, Unnamed Mother.

No, seriously, that's her name. It's on every form of identification she owns: "Mother, Unnamed". "Mother" was actually Pyrrha's father's surname, which Pyrrha's mother took when she married Pyrrha's Father.

"Coming, mother," responded Pyrrha.

She passed a table full of gamblers, all of whom immediately moved to cash in their chips, and she eventually stumbled upon a box of conveniently placed fortune cookies. Deciding to see what they held for her, she opened the first one.

 _You have good health insurance, right?_ " _Nothing foreboding about that; just an innocent question_." She opened another.

 _They're watching you…_ " _Who is?_ " She thought. At this point she was completely drawn-in. She opened another, hoping for an answer.

 _Whatever you do, avoid all highways._ " _Okay, I can do that,_ " she thought, and reached for another.

 _This is important! Life or death! Make sure you c-_ the rest of the fortune was faded." _What? What do I need to do?_ " Pyrrha frantically reached for yet another fortune.

 _Without going into graphic detail, let's just say you better learn to write with your other hand real soon. "Oh, God, what's going to happen to me?"_ Pyrrha frantically threw that fortune into the wind and reached for the last fortune cookie in the box.

 _39 days 18 hours 6 minutes and 23 seconds._ At this point, she was sufficiently spooked, and threw the fortunes down before walking off to find her mother.

One of the fortunes that she threw got caught in the wind and traveled on a series of air currents and incredibly unlikely incidental events, such as getting pushed in a particular direction by a flock of birds, all the way to Atlas, and all in montage format. There was even a translucent map superimposed over the montage, showing the path it took, I'm not sure how you missed it.

While searching for her mother, Pyrrha's scroll began to ring.

"Hello?"

" _Seven days..."_ a voice on the other end whispered.

"What?" Pyrrha asked, but there was no response. She sat there for a few seconds, then ended the call and carried on.

It was dark, now. That traveling fortune montage took a bit longer than I thought it would. Pyrrha elected to phone her mother instead of searching for her.

One quick conversation later, Pyrrha was headed home. She asked several people about transportation in order to get home; the first option was to hop on the last rattler, the second offered to send her off on a boat, and the third had a pale horse she could ride home. She decided to walk.

A mist was starting to build up, and Pyrrha could have sworn that she saw large, humanoid figures with giant blades, and awful looking pyramid helmets, so she decided to cut through the park. Because, you know, that never ends badly.

As it happens, Pyrrha did actually have to cut through the park; the grass was terribly overgrown. On the bright side though, it did sometimes dispense Lien notes when she cut it. There were also some daisies that she had to push... I mean pull up because she couldn't seem to cut them. The park was eerily silent until, as Pyrrha was working her way through the grass, her scroll rang again, once again causing her to jump.

"...Hello?" she said, expecting the voice again.

"Hello, I am a Menageriean prince, my relatives have been squandering my money for some time now, and I am looking to transfer it to a-" Pyrrha almost entertained what was obviously a scam simply because it wasn't about her dying, but knew it would most likely somehow circle around to that and ended the call anyway.

As she was doing so, she received a notification on her scroll about a sale on crematory services.

Pyrrha was now quite tense, between the regular warnings of her impending death and this creepy park, her nerves were frayed. If one more thing went wrong, she was apt to just go to a better place. That is to say, move to another country.

She arrived home without further incident, but her nervousness persisted. It was quiet in her house because it was late at night, and her mother was in bed, but that didn't register to Pyrrha, who was only on the lookout for the next thing to go wrong. Slowly, carefully, she crept to her room and opened the door-

"G. Reaper wants to be your friend," said the text-to-speech feature on her scroll. She grabbed the scroll and threw it at the wall, destroying it, then began stomping on the remains.

"NO!" yelled the now incensed Pyrrha.

Unnamed heard the commotion, and walked to her daughter's room.

"Pyrrha, what's wrong?" she asked. Pyrrha, meanwhile, was yelling at her scroll.

"I'm done!" she bellowed, then moved to her closet to put on a pair of concrete shoes, and returned to stomping on the broken remains of her scroll.

Several minutes later, she appeared to have calmed down. She turned around to meet her maker, cleared her throat, and spoke.

"Mother, I have decided that I will be moving to Vale, and attending Beacon Academy."

* * *

 **A Fancy Restaurant Somewhere In Vale**

Adam was beginning to lose patience with the servers in this place. He was proud of his heritage, and was not afraid to show his Faunus traits. The servers, however were clearly mocking him, and they probably thought he was too stupid to understand that. When they were waiting to be seated, the servers asked him to stand outside, on a patch of grass, because "there wasn't enough space in the lobby for everyone waiting to be seated", and they were snickering about it the whole time.

"Adam, calm down." said Blake, his voice of reason for the time being.

When it finally came time to seat them, the servers took them to a section where _everyone_ was ordering steak. Filet Mignon, Rib-Eye, T-Bone, Porterhouse. It disgusted him that he even knew so many.

"Steak is a popular dish, what do you want them to do?" she asked.

"They didn't have to put us here," Adam responded

If that wasn't a enough of blatant slap in the face, all of the servers, _all of them_ , were wiping the tables with red washcloths.

"You see that, don't you?" he asked

"That's just a coincidence, Adam," she replied.

"Everyone knows that is just a myth, bulls don't actually get angry when you wave a red cloth at them" he insisted.

"Then why are you so upset right now?" she responded.

"Because they're waving that red cloth at me!" Adam hissed. Blake just cocked an eyebrow.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it. I mean that they're only waving them like that because we're here."

"You're just being paranoid."

"Look, over there, there's a c _hina shop,_ for God's sake. Why would they do that if not to mock me?"

"Adam."

"Fine, but how do you explain this?" he asked, using a scroll to access the server containing the tracks that were scheduled to play over the speakers.

 _Cows of Gladness_

 _Calling All Cows_

 _Gonna Love Ya (Till the Cows Come Home)_

 _Brown Chicken Brown Cow_

 _I Am Cow_

 _Mossy Cow_

 _Sacred Cow_

 _For All the Cows_

 _Cow Bells and Coffee Beans_

 _Can't You Hear the Cows_

 _Poor Cow_

 _Black Cow_

 _Milk Cow Boogie_

 _Mad Cow_

 _Greet the Sacred Cow_

 _Mrs. O'Leary's Cow_

 _Cow Town_

 _Milk Cow Blues_

 _Countin' Cows_

 _Holy Cow_

 _Saddled the Cow_

 _I'm an Old Cow Hand_

 _When the Cows Come Home_

 _Walking the Cow_

 _A Purple Cow_

It's like this entire situation was set up just to antagonise him.

"Adam, the waiter is here."

"Hello, my name is Allan, I will be your server today, and I swear, if you ask me for details about the lobster dinner, I will stab you in the eye with this pencil."

This was the deciding factor, Adam determined. It was time to step up operations in the White Fang, and put these Human idiots in their place. And he would start…with leaving a terrible Yap review of this restaurant for no reason. No, he couldn't do that, it was just too cruel. But sometimes extreme measures had to be taken.

After finishing the meal and paying for it, they left. He was torn about the bad review he was planning but told himself that he had to stay strong if he wanted to make this world a better place. On the way out they saw a piece of paper blow past them. Blake attempted to catch it, but missed. It must not have been meant for her. As they were walking, Adam spied a cargo train being loaded with Dust.

" _Perfect_ ," he thought.

* * *

 _ **A Petrol Station Somewhere In Atlas.**_

In a nondescript fuel station, somewhere in Atlas, in a space between two Air Buses the air begins to heat up. A humming noise can be heard, and arcs of blue electricity are starting to jump around in the air, and between the vehicles. The arcs continue to increase in size and intensity, until, suddenly, a black sphere manifests in the air, just above the ground. Everything flashes white, and the sphere dissipates leaving a strange looking girl with short, orange hair. She was kneeling in the crater the mysterious sphere had created, totally naked. The girl rises, surveys her surroundings, and walks toward the petrol station. In the parking lot outside the station, she sees several motorcycles all parked. A red filter overlays her vision, and alphanumerical strings begin popping up on it. She scans one of the motorcycles, and, deeming it fit for use, walks inside the station to acquire the keys.

Once inside, she walks mechanically through the crowd, briefly glancing at everyone she walks past, until she reaches a blonde girl in a tan jacket.

"Hello," she says to the blonde girl, "will you be my friend?"

"Sure," the girl replies, "as long as you put on some clothes."

"Sen-sational," replied the strangely behaving, and still very naked girl, "Now, since friends are quite happy to share with one another-"

A whirring sound and a high-pitched whine emanated from the girl, then her voice switched from squeaky and friendly, to masculine with a strange accent.

"-I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle."

*Apparently, That Was A Flashback*

"So, what happened next?" asked the bartender

"Well, I gave her a spare suit of clothes I had in the bike, then gave her the keys."

"You just let someone take your precious Bumblebee?"

"Nah, it was one of Junior's."

Just then, someone else walked into the pub, sat down, and ordered a drink.

"What happened, B?" asks the bartender.

The rest of the conversation is lost on the girl, who spies a pamphlet for Beacon Academy and gets up to go to the local skyport. As she was walking out of the bar a piece of paper flew into her hair. She grabbed it and looked at it.

 _Without going into graphic detail, let's just say you better learn to write with your other hand real soon._

"Huh, I wonder what that means," and she set off.

 _ **Skyport**_

A nearby television was broadcasting a news report on a chain of explosions that devastated all nine of Vale's injured, orphan puppy hospitals. A reporter was standing outside of the smoldering wreckage, speaking.

"…Headmaster of Beacon Academy issued a press release stating that the incident is believed to have originated at a terminal in the reception area, where one employee was attempting to divide by 0. Police attempted to recreate the incident in a controlled environment. As of yet, there are no reports of survivors."

Yang tuned out the television to focus on the arrival and departure schedules for the airships. There was one leaving in a few minutes, departing to Vale, and she intended to be on it.

* * *

When Jaune was a baby he dropped himself on his head.

When he was 3, a flock of pigeons attacked him leaving bald spots on his head that took almost 3 months to regrow. Since that day that very same flock of pigeons would return every year to attack Jaune. Nothing else; they wouldn't steal bags of tortilla chips from grocers, they wouldn't fly over people's houses, and aim their waste with laser-guided precision, they wouldn't attack small animals for getting too close to their bread. They lived and breathed to attack Jaune, and Jaune alone. They were like tiny Nevermores, so basically, pigeons.

When he was 5 he fell into a tiger enclosure at the local zoo. Fortunately, it was time for his annual pigeon attack that day and those devil birds scared the tigers off. When it was over the tigers actually pitied him and let him hobble out of their enclosure.

When he was 6 he stepped on a Lego, then pigeons attacked him.

When he was 7 he licked an electrical outlet, then pigeons attacked him.

His parents knew that he would need _very_ good health insurance, if they wanted him to live to see his teens. After extensive searching they finally settled on an "Everything except a Zombie Apocalypse" policy. You might think that was an unnecessary purchase. If you do, then you don't know Jaune. Jaune was a very careful boy (the electrical outlet thing was the exception), but somehow trouble always seemed to find him.

He had just turned 17 recently, and was anxiously awaiting the annual pigeon attack. Unbeknownst to him, said pigeons were sidetracked by a paper fortune that had somehow made its way into their formation. They would be late, but if there was anything that Jaune had learned in his 17 years it was that they would come; they would find him.

While the insurance policy was almost entirely sufficient for covering him, it also cost his entire college fund. As a result, instead of going to the law school that he wanted to attend, he now had to go to Beacon. It's incredibly ironic, if you think about it. They spent his entire college fund on keeping him alive, and now they have to send him somewhere that he's sure to die. Before he left on the airship to Beacon, the entire town held a betting pool on whether he could make it to the airship without hurting himself. I won't tell you which one he bet on, but Jaune's father won. Jaune's family saw him off with smiles, and once he was gone, Unnamed Mother (no relation to Pyrrha's mother) turned to Unnamed Father,

"He's doomed."

"Yep."

"There's no way he'll last."

"Nope."

"There's certainly no way he'll outlive that Pyrrha Nikos girl." Wow. That was oddly specific.

 **CHAPTER END**

* * *

 **No, Pyrrha is not going to die by being sucked up into one of her fans. I already told you, they will _never_ betray her. They are the only ones who actually love her.**

 **I searched "songs with cow in the title" and Google did not disappoint.**

 **The fortunes on those cookies were actual fortunes that I found on the internet.**

 **In case it wasn't quite clear, I was trying to make Penny into The T-800, but it's been a while since I've seen Judgement Day.**

 **Yang had a voucher for a free course in Car Jacking from Generic Thug Academy. It applies to motorcycles, too.**

 **Jaune's Unnamed Mother and Unnamed Father both have different surnames because they elected to keep their individual surnames for legal purposes, after their marriage.**


	3. Ren and Nora's Chapter

Ren and Nora's Chapter

 **I detest red Skittles.**

* * *

Many wonder what made Ren this way, there are certainly plenty of theories. Some say it was the destruction of his village at the hands of a Grimm. Others say it was Nora's constant pestering that drove him over the edge. Some believe it was the fact that of the two people who survived kurowhatever's destruction, one of those two just HAD to be Nora. I believe that it was something in-between. The destruction of his village must have influenced it, but I believe that there was something he learned that day. Something that changed the way he saw the world.

*Flashback?*

A young Ren stood, weapon in hand, before the Grimm that had destroyed his village. It looked at him with contempt, barely considering him a snack, and Ren charged, determined to avenge his fallen village. His attack was doomed to fail from the outset, though, and the Grimm caught him and used magic eye powers to torture him with images of his clan's destruction while encouraging him to embrace hate and darkness and all that fun stuff.

What happens next? Find out in the next chapter of Norato in Shonen Junk.

*Flashback End?*

* * *

No, that's probably not it. How about this?

* * *

*Another Flashback?*

 **Directed by Michael Bay.**

A young Ren stood, weapon in hand, before the Grimm that had destroyed his village. It looked at him with contempt, barely considering him a snack, and Ren charged, determined to avenge his fallen village. Before he could land an attack, though, the Grimm swiped him away. It stalked toward him, clearly intending to finish what it had started, but something got in the way. Nora dropped down with a bag of potatoes tied to a stick and looked at the Grimm.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." She charged at it, brandishing her bag of potatoes, and when she hit an explosion engulfed the Grimm. Yes, the potatoes exploded. Because, Nora.

The explosion sent Nora flying into a far wall , where another explosion occurred. Nora was unharmed, of course, but so was the Grimm. Ren moved between the Grimm and his fallen comrade, another explosion occurred, then he advanced, determined to avenge his fallen village. His attack was doomed to fail from the outset, though, and the Grimm caught his arm, looked him in the eye, and spoke,

"No, I am your father."

*End?*

* * *

Still doesn't sound quite right. Let's try this.

* * *

*Are You Kidding Me Right Now?*

Ren is sitting in a shady back alley, shivering in equal parts cold and fear. It was just supposed to be a family outing to the movies. How was he to know the horror that would befall his family? On the way back from the show he and his family accidentally stumbled into the infamous "Grimm Alley" where they (his family, that is) were killed by Knuckles the Echidna, I think? Anyway, the Grimm killed them and ran away, and as Ren knelt by the bodies of his parents, he swore to avenge them. He traveled the world studying from master huntsmen and huntresses and eventually returned to Koala village as a vigilante. He knew he needed a guise that would strike fear into the hearts of the Grimm, and at that very moment Nora crashed through his window. His path was set.

*How Many More Of These Are There?*

* * *

Okay, okay, I've got it now. This is what actually happened.

* * *

*Flashback*

Ren stood, weapon poised, between Nora, and Knuckles the Enchilada. It looked at him with contempt, disdain, and another synonym for those things. Ren raised his weapon to charge at the Grimm, but his attack was doomed to failure from the outset. The Grimm swiped his weapon away, and picked him up. After a few seconds of staring at him, it seemed to come to a decision. It drew him closer, and closer, until he could smell the rotting meat on its breath. Then, it spoke; just a whisper that only Ren could hear.

Amidst the ruin of his village and the ashes of his friends and family (except Nora), it spoke to him. It imparted three simple words that would tear the very fabric of the reality he knew. After learning this truth, he would be able to transmute without a circ- Oh, wait, wrong series. It accidentally the _whole_ thing, and then, it simply dropped Ren and left. He rose, struggling against the magnitude of the knowledge given to him.

"Ren, are you alright?" asked Nora, but he was beyond her reach.

"NO, YOU'RE LYING! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I WON'T!" he shouted at the Grimm.

You see, the Grimm had intended to destroy him entirely, rather than simply kill him. It left him with the truth of the world, knowing that no Human or Faunus has ever been able to understand it without going insane. It was a cruel punishment, even more so than destroying his entire village in front of him.

Ren looked to the sky, agony in his eyes, and a scream in his throat, as his mind warped and folded in on itself infinitely, trying to understand, trying to grasp the full extent of this revelation. He fell on his side, to the ground, tears leaking out of his eyes as the beautiful truth tried to consume his mind.

The words echoed through his very being. To not lose himself in them was a titanic struggle, and a lesser man's mind would have broken against the onslaught, but years of living with insanity incarnate have sharpened, or maybe dulled, Ren's sensibilities to the point that this truth didn't break his mind. He still didn't understand the meaning of the words, but he could think them without sinking into insanity. It was uncanny, the words made perfect sense individually but as soon as he put them together they became something else entirely, something he couldn't comprehend. He was still thinking them as unconsciousness claimed him.

Nora carried her fallen friend all the way to the next village. There they rested and recovered to the point that Ren would reawaken, but they still had a problem. The words he heard, the truth he heard, left a mark. His mental fortitude and Nora-based insanity resistance allowed him to hear the words without any severe damage, but the sheer power of the truth he holds had fundamentally altered his mind. He was different now, if only slightly. There was something dangerous about his sense of humor. He began plotting pranks, which in the past he only went along with because Nora had asked him to. These pranks weren't simple bucket of water above the door pranks, either. While some of them, such as that Ice Bucket thing, are harmless (he gets to watch people torture themselves by dumping buckets of freezing water on their heads), others could cause an international incident.

*Flashforward? inside Flashback*

Looking into the future, we see him going to Beacon Academy, there he will meet Yatsuhashi Daichi. Now, most people refer to Yatsuhashi as "Yatsu" for short, but unbeknownst to them the word "Yatsu" is an insult in his culture. Which is why every time someone greets him as such, he punches them. No one who greets him as such knows why they get punched but that's how it has always been. Ren knows, of course, but it's much more fun to watch people willingly line up to get punched than to explain it to them. Sometime later in the year, one of them will come to him to ask what he knows about it. He will respond that punching someone is the traditional greeting where Yatsuhashi comes from. They will believe it, and he will continue to watch.

Then, sometime in the far future, after that class graduates they will all mysteriously win an all-expense-paid vacation to Yatsuhashi's homeland and will, upon arrival, immediately begin "greeting" the locals. Ren will, of course, be somewhere in the background recording the entire thing because the only thing more hilarious than watching people line up for years to get punched is the looks on their faces when they get arrested and have no idea why. If the prime minister of Yatsuhashi's homeland happens to be in the crowd, responding to an anonymous tip over social media that a group of huntsmen and huntresses are coming to visit, and personally greeting them will help foster goodwill, well, accidents happen.

*End Flashback*

* * *

Years upon years of pranks, driving people to the point of near insanity themselves, eventually saw Ren and Nora banned from every village near their childhood home. This lead to them going abroad to spread their particular brand of fun. Their most recent trip was to a village somewhere in Mistral. While there, Ren swiped someone's scroll, sent a friend request to one Gregory Reaper, then returned it without that person knowing. Ren and Nora were kicked out of the village because someone caught Nora making a montage for a paper fortune and one of Mistral's more obscure laws forbids that. On the way out they saw a pamphlet for Beacon Academy and decided that they would go there next.

As he and Nora boarded the airship to Vale, he muttered, under his breath, the words he had heard so long ago, still not quite able to comprehend their meaning. The inconceivable, unbelievable truth:

"It's…not butter."

 **CHAPTER END**

* * *

 **Don't act like you wouldn't be terrified of Nora-man.**


	4. Requiem For A Jaune

Requiem For A Jaune

 **This fanfiction uses content tracking to deliver targeted advertisements.**

 **Rated T for censored language, and Jaune's misfortunes.**

* * *

Much to her surprise, Ruby manages to catch an Airship with her sister, who she discovers is going to Beacon. There were other people on the Airship but no one important.

"Hey!" said Jaune, who was woozy from airsickness.

See, no one important.

"Ruby, is that you? How did you get Ozpin to let you in here?" Yang asked upon noticing her sister.

Ruby just stared meaningfully at Yang.

"No. No, that's not possible."

She nodded.

"Are you serious?" Yang asked, handing over a small pile of Lien notes.

"Yep. I told you it would work."

For those of you curious about what's going on, this is what happened:

When Yang and Ruby were children, Ruby made a bet with her sister for 50 Lien (it was a lot for children, okay) that she could get into Beacon two years ahead of time by showing the Headmaster her "Dinosaur Eating Cookies" impression. Of course, Ruby made that bet while under the influence of cookies laced with Mercury, so Yang thought it would be easy money. She was wrong.

"So, what made you want to come to Beacon?" Ruby asked.

"After my final in the Car Jacking course, the teachers at GTA told me I was overqualified to be a grunt. They suggested that I come here, instead."

"How did you do on your final?"

"Ask Junior."

 **Sponsored Advertisement**

 **Do you want to see the world? Do you want to change the world? Then come to Generic Thug Academy.**

 **GTA is a fully accredited institution for learning the fine art of being a criminal peon.**

 **Courses include:**

 **Car Jacking**

 **Professional Robbery**

 **Basic Intimidation (Prerequisite) and Advanced Intimidation**

 **Extortion (Requires Basic Intimidation)**

 **and much more.**

 **Tuition is reasonable, especially if the money used is stolen.**

 **Background check required.**

 **Come to GTA, and get your future started today.**

Jaune vomited into a trashcan. That's the segue I'm going with.

"Oh, God, is that a lung?" he asked.

"You'll be fine, you have two," Yang responded.

"I don't think that's how it works, Yang," Ruby said.

No one cares about Jaune, though, so we just forget that happened.

The airship pilot decided to land the ship in the middle of Vale, instead of taking the prospective students all the way to Beacon.

"What the h**l, dude?" one prospective student asked.

"I would have let you off at the Academy instead, but _someone_ had to ask me about the crate of lobsters in the cargo hold."

You see, up until recently, he was a waiter at some fancy restaurant, but he was fired for stabbing one of the customers with a pencil, after they had asked for details about the lobster dinner. I know what you're thinking, "If he was a waiter a few days ago, then what makes him qualified to pilot an airship?" or "If he's so unstable as to stab someone for asking about lobsters, then why is he piloting an airship?". Well, they let Ozpin be the headmaster of Beacon, so who knows?

So, now everyone has to walk, and poor Jaune won't be getting any medical attention for his whole "lung" thing for a while, yet. All because someone had to ask about a crate of lobsters.

As they walked toward the school, it occurred to Ruby that she had boarded the airship from Vale's skyport in order to get to Beacon, and the pilot had taken her further from her destination than she was when she started. As they passed the smoldering ruins of a hospital, Ruby looked away, and whistled innocently. Yang wondered what that was about.

Eventually they reached the steps leading up to Beacon. It was set on top of a large hill and there were very many steps. Yang looked briefly at Jaune and wondered if he was going to make it up them. People aren't normally that purple, after all.

Ruby kept everyone motivated through the journey by playing "Eye of the Beowolf" on her scroll, and it worked for the first fifteen minutes. After that, most of the other students were playing Angry Nevermores and Bad Boarbatusks on their scrolls and Jaune was whining about "air" or some such nonsense. It wasn't like it was hard to breathe, and he even had one lung outside of his body, exposing it to more air. He's such a baby.

Eventually, they managed to reach the top, whereupon Yang dashed past Ruby, knocking Jaune back down the steps and spinning Ruby right round, baby right round until she fell over someone's luggage. Someone, presumably the person who owned the luggage, began yelling at her and shaking a container of Dust in her face. She inhaled the Dust and sneezed, then everything went trippy.

* * *

Out of the sky came a human, riding a cloud.

"My name is Samuel Ingham," he said, "I am a perfectly normal human, age 15-18, who came to Remnant when someone hit me with a car, in an accident that totally wasn't my fault; that guy should have stopped and let me text in the middle of the road.

My weapon is a double-edged Lightsaber Keyblade that transforms into an M1A2 Abrams Tank, that shoots heat-seeking low-yield nuclear warheads, and guns that shoot bigger guns that shoot chainsaw bullets. It also transforms into a giant robot.

I am secretly Ruby's older brother, but I am better than her at everything there is. I was born to rich parents that were killed in a tragic attack by a criminal, and I vowed to take revenge on the criminals by becoming a vigilante-"

"Hey, that's Ren's backstory," said Nora, because Nora is, by default, a part of every Dust-induced hallucination. Actually, just, every hallucination. Even the ones that occurred before she was born. Because, Nora.

No, it's not, we went with a different one, remember?

"Oh, yeah, continue," she said

"… after subduing the evil Mr. Cheese and returning him to Porkham Aslyum…"

No, I'm not hungry. Why do you ask?

"… that was when I discovered that my father was actually an evil Nazi scientist…"

"I thought your father got killed?" said Nora, but she was ignored.

"… had to destroy his army of 1,000 Nazi vampires using my own vampiric powers…"

"Didn't you just say you were a perfectly normal human?" asked Nora.

"… then I discovered that the Nazi vampire army was being led by my brother, Frieza…"

"Woah, Ruby, you have _another_ brother?" asked Nora.

"Not that I'm aware of," she responded.

"… the battle was long and hard fought, but I killed him in no time, with no effort whatsoever, using only one Pinky…"

"Why is 'Pinky' capitalized like that?" asked Nora.

He might mean the mouse.

"Oh," she responded.

"… the sadness I felt at killing my beloved brother awakened my Mangekyou Sharingan, and I used the laser beam eyes it gave me to destroy the remaining Nazi zombies-"

"I thought they were vampires?" Nora said.

"Then my father appeared, he was a Nazi zombie vampire werewolf warlock lich, and he detonated a nukeyooler bomb-

NO! It's "Nuclear"! You don't even have an excuse for mispronouncing it; this is all text!

"… all life on Earth was destroyed…"

"What's Earth?" asked Nora.

"… I turned back time by flying around the Earth in the opposite direction that it spun, so fast that it began turning backward…"

Time doesn't work like that! What is this madness?

* * *

At this point Jaune had made it back up the steps again-

"Madness?! THIS IS SPARTA!"

"Wait please, no!"

-until he got kicked back down.

"Woah, sweet kick, Pyrrha, but, uh…what was that about?" asked Nora.

"Sorry, Jaune," Pyrrha said to Jaune, as he bounced on every third step.

"It's…okay," he gurgled from the bottom of the hill.

"Ever since I was young, that's always happened every time someone said that word," Pyrrha said.

* * *

"… then I took the nukeyooler bomb into space and threw it into the sun, stopping the sun from dying…"

That's not how the sun works.

"… rewarded for my heroics by being given the first chance to beta test a new virtual reality game. Of course, it turned out to be a game that kills you if you die in it, and the only way to escape was to win. So I walked all the way up to Floor 9,999 by myself, and killed the boss with the same pinky I used to kill my brother, Broly-"

"I thought your brother was Frieza," said Nora.

* * *

Jaune climbed back up the hill, yet again

"…mother thought it was hilarious, but now that I'm older, and strong enough to kick someone down a flight of stairs, it's actually pretty inconvenient. I can't control it; I just have to kick someone every time someone says that word," Pyrrha continued.

"What word?" Ren asked, "You mean-"

"Ren, wait, please don't-" Jaune said

"-madness?" Ren finished.

"Madness?! THIS IS SPARTA!" Pyrrha yelled, and kicked Jaune back down, yet again.

"I'm sorry!" Pyrrha yelled meekly to the poor sucker.

* * *

"… when I woke up I was in space. A spaceship called the Normandy found me and decided that I was a much better captain than their current one, and I replaced him, becoming Captain Steve Irwin-"

"But Shepard was only a commander," Nora said.

"…Then I recruited The Enterprise and The Millennium Falcon, and blew up the Reapers with my Gundam that was equipped with a Death Star. After destroying the Reapers, I discovered that I was the Avatar, and could control all four elements. I decided to use this power for good, and battled Kaguya to stop her from taking over the world with Dr. Robotnik and/or Eggman. I summoned my katana, Masamune, and used my Ultimate Dragon Slaying Dragon Slash Dragon Dragon to destroy her. The attack traveled back in time and killed Alduin, Durnehviir, Acnologia, Angelus, Every variation of Shenron, Porunga, The Basilisk from the Chamber of Secrets, the four dragons from the Triwizard Tournament, and Mega Charizard X…"

* * *

Jaune crawled back to the top of the hill, and lay there, waiting to see if Pyrrha was going to kick him again. When nothing came, he stood up.

Then Gandalf the Grey,

And Gandalf the White,

And Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight,

And Benito Mussolini,

And the Blue Meanie,

And Cowboy Curtis,

And Jambi the Genie,

Robocop,

The Terminator,

Captain Kirk,

And Darth Vader,

Lo Pan,

Superman,

Every single Power Ranger,

Bill S. Preston,

And Theodore Logan,

Spock,

The Rock,

Doc Ock,

And Hulk Hogan.

All came out of nowhere lightning fast,

And they kicked Jaune back down the steps.

"Why does this keep happening to me?" he sobbed from the bottom of the hill.

* * *

"… then I crashed a Mass Relay into the Hall of Origins, caught Arceus with one Poke-Ball, and told him to bring me here, and that's how I got here." said Simon Ipson.

"I thought you said you got hit by a car, and that brought you here," said Nora.

Everything lurched, Ruby felt her insides try to go out, and suddenly, the guy was gone.

* * *

"… when I looked up, she was just sitting there, talking under her breath," said the white-haired girl who was yelling at her before, to Yang.

"Are you alright, Ruby?" Yang asked upon noticing that she was lucid.

"Yeah, I'm fine, now. Where are we?" Ruby asked.

"The infirmary," Yang responded, "you were staring blankly, and muttering periodically for about twenty minutes."

"What's wrong with that red-haired psycho?" the white-haired girl asked Yang, "your sister said something about "madness" while she was muttering, and that girl flipped out, and started attacking some poor blonde girl. She kicked her right down the steps."

"What happened to her?" Yang asked, "Why didn't you get help for her, too?"

"Someone will find her, I'm sure," the girl replied.

"Well, anyway, Ruby is up now, so I guess we should get going to the Main Hall," said Yang.

And so they did.

 **CHAPTER END**

* * *

 **Don't lie, you were singing along.**

 **I forgot to mention, he is also Half-Human, Half-Faunus, Half-Grimm.**


	5. Happiness Runs In The Opposite Direction

**Happiness Runs In The Opposite Direction**

* * *

 **Beacon Hallways**

After exiting the Infirmary, Ruby, Yang, and the white-haired girl, who introduced herself as Weiss, all headed toward the Main Hall. There was supposed to be some big event going on there, that they had to attend. On the way to the main hall, Weiss' scroll lit up, informing her of a breaking news broadcast. She pressed "play" and the group heard yet another report.

"Police were responding to a call about pitiful, feminine whining coming from the bottom of the hill leading to Beacon today, when they came across a critically injured teenage girl."

Yang looked pointedly at Weiss.

"What? They found her, didn't they?" Weiss asked.

"They estimate that she was suffering in absolute agony for approximately two-and-a-half hours, before someone heard her whining, then another twenty minutes before emergency responders arrived."

Yang shot another look at Weiss, but Weiss was making a point of not paying attention.

"Due to the rash of explosions recently plaguing hospitals…"

Ruby began whistling rather loudly, and sped up for some reason.

"… denying non-critical patients. Due to the severity of her injuries, however, the girl was permitted entry. Frankly, it is amazing that she was still alive because she had numerous broken bones, and several instances of cranial trauma. She seemed to be in remarkably good spirits, for her condition, but that may have just been the concussion talking. When asked if this was grounds for a lawsuit, the headmaster of Beacon Academy responded that it was not the school's fault. He said that the girl wasn't watching where she was going, because she was too busy playing Pocket Grimm Go, on her scroll. The number of Pocket Grimm Go players stumbling into dangerous areas has continued to rise, since the inception of the game, and… Oh, I'm getting an update now… Oh. It seems that the girl who was found whining pitifully at the bottom of the hill outside of Beacon is, in fact, male. His name is Jaune Arc. That's… sorry man, if I had known that, we wouldn't be broadcasting, and… and now your name is out there, too. Well, that's just embarrassing. How about we cut to another story? Okay? Good."

She shuffled her papers.

"In other news, a homeless man recently found a fortune in Dust, in a river near Vale. The Dust was held in Schnee Dust Company crates, and was estimated to be worth 3.7 million Lien. The man who found it worked as an airship pilot until recently, when he was fired for stabbing one of his passengers with a pencil after they asked about a crate of lobster inside the cargo hold. In addition to the Dust, the homeless man also found a small collection of black hair bows. It is unknown what connection, if any, the two things have."

Weiss paused the report, as they had arrived at the Main Hall. They walked in and stood, waiting for the big event that they were obligated to attend.

Inside the Main Hall, the group was surprised to see Jaune, hale and hearty. He's all better now, because Aura, or something like that. What's that you're saying? He doesn't have his Aura unlocked? La-la-la, I can't hear you! Jaune is perfectly healthy, and ready for more abu- I mean…tests of fortitude, yeah that's it!  
They stood together, waiting for whatever brought them here to happen.

* * *

 **Beacon Main Hall, Behind Some Curtains On A Stage.**

Ozpin sat on the ground behind the stage, beer in one hand and a scroll in the other. He was continuing his periodic routine of prank calling people and pretending to be a Menagerian prince who needed to send some money overseas to keep his relatives from squandering it. As he finished the last call, he heard Glynda's voice from the other side of the curtain introducing him, which meant that it was time for his speech.

He ran out from behind the curtains, onto the stage, and grabbed a microphone.

"ARE YOU READY TO PARTY, BEACON?" he yelled, or at least, he tried to yell. He was so sloshed though, that what actually came out was something closer to "Aiyoo red potty, Beegin?"

Most of the headmaster's speech was unintelligible slurring, but a few people caught things about a burning goblet of some sort, and volunteering as a tribute. He finished with "May the booze be ever in your flavour," then passed out on stage.

Glynda walked to the stage and picked him up, dumping him unceremoniously behind the curtain, then called the students to a set of terminals that have totally always been in the far corner of the room, and definitely weren't added as an afterthought when the author realized that there was nowhere for this next scene to take place.

"Tonight, all of you will sleep in the Ballroom, but first, before you take the initiation there will be an entrance exam," she said. "This test is simple: you just complete the simulator. Make the right choices, and you won't die. If you make it to the end, then you may proceed to the ballroom to sleep. Due to the unforgiving nature of this State-of-the-Art Survival Simulator, you may retry as much as you like, however, if you fail to complete this test before a predetermined amount of time has passed, then you have failed and must leave. You may begin now."

The terminals were password protected, but the password was "password", so the only person who was actually stopped by it was Jaune. Nora didn't even enter a password, she just yelled "ICE CREAM!" at the terminal and it let her in. Eventually Pyrrha got tired of watching Jaune struggle and entered the password for him, while he leaned as far away from her as he could to avoid getting kicked down some stairs.

After starting the terminal, everyone booted the simulator, and began working on the test.

Jaune was the first to report an issue.

"Is everything going well, Mr. Arc?"

"No, actually, I keep dying as soon as I start."

"What are you doing wrong?"

"I'm not sure. Let me show you."

Jaune started the simulator and began a new instance.  
 _What is the first name of the wagon leader?_ He entered his name, and it cut to another screen.

 _YOU HAVE DIED OF DYSENTERY._

"That's not possible. We removed Dysentery because no one could survive it."

He started another instance, and it didn't even wait for him to enter a name this time.

 _YOU HAVE DIED OF DYSENTERY._

"I suppose we'll just have to let you pass anyway. Go on to the ballroom."

Interestingly enough, Jaune was the first one to finish.

Pyrrha died numerous times, and grew noticeably more tense after each death. Eventually, she rose, and called Professor Goodwitch over to her terminal to speak to her.

"What seems to be the problem, Miss Nikos?" the professor asked.

"Every time I die, it reports my character's death date as sometime in the near future."

"…This program doesn't report a death date at the death screen."

"I also chose different names for all of my characters, but they all say 'Pyrrha Nikos' at the death screens."

"It's possible that is just a simple glitch."

"I never entered my real name."

"This is fun, professor," said Nora. Nora must not have been playing the same game- err using the same simulator as everyone else.

As it happens, she wasn't.

Instead, her simulator seemed to have her running around as a goat, licking and headbutting things. This should have been impossible, since the terminals were less like computers, and more like arcade cabinets in the sense that they should _only_ have been able to run the Survival Simulator program but since this is Nora we're talking about. all bets are off.

"How did you even…never mind. Just proceed to the ballroom, Miss Valkyrie,"

"Hooray! I win!"

The rest of the test proceeded with nothing of any significance. Everyone with a face passed, then they all proceeded to the ballroom.

* * *

Everyone piled into the ballroom at once, and Ruby noticed that Jaune was already fast asleep. They changed into their respective sleep clothes, then set to work not sleeping. As Ruby was writing on a sheet of paper, she and Yang noticed light coming from one corner of the room. They looked over there and saw a girl with black hair sitting next to a candle and reading a book. They had nothing else to do and no inclination to sleep apparently, so they decided to speak to her. After all, it wasn't like they had some big task that was pivotal to their future, tomorrow. Yang grabbed her sister's arm and strutted over to the girl, ignoring her classmates' catcalls.

"Who's a cat? I'm not a cat. I don't know what you're talking about," said the black-haired girl, frantically. Then her scroll rang.

 _I want chicken, I want liver_

 _Meow Mix Meow Mix_

 _Please Deliver_

"Oookay," Yang said, and proceeded to walk backward, returning to her bedroll, and deciding to simply call it a night.

* * *

 **CHAPTER END**


	6. ALL The Typos

ALL The Typos

 **Rated T for censored language.**

 **I don't know any German.**

* * *

 **Beacon Ballroom**

Ruby awoke the next day somewhat tired, despite the early bedtime at Yang's insistence. She was just so excited that she barley slept. How does one barley sleep, you may ask? Well, I can tell you that it involves a lot of barley, and no, wheat will not make a suitable substitute. Ruby arose from her barley bed which, in all honesty, may have had just as much to do with her lack of sleep as excitement did, completed the daily hygienic rituals, and began rolling up her barley-stuffed bedroll. At this time, Yang awoke, and saw Ruby surrounded by some sort of grass.

"Whatcha up to, Rubes?" she asked, "and what's with all this wheat?"

"It's not wheat, Yang; it's barley." Ruby responded.

"Okay, but where did it come from?"

"The ground?"

"Fine, I walked into that. But seriously, how did you get it here? You only have one luggage case."

"I put it in Weiss' luggage."

"What happened to the 3.7 million Lien worth of Dust that was in them?"

"Oh, it's somewhere."

Ruby went to the black-haired girl's luggage and withdrew a portable Dust-powered grinding mill. Then she walked to Weiss' many luggage cases, emblazoned with various words that she didn't understand.

"Let's see here, Der Wille zur Macht, no, Jenseits von Gut und Böse, no… ah, here we go, Also sprach Zarathustra."

She reached into the case, and withdrew a recipe card for barley bread, then she gathered her barley and walked to the mess hall, with Yang following. The two spoke, as they walked.

"So, I was thinking that we should have a signal; something we can leave on the ground or on some landmarks during the initiation to let one of us know where the other is," Ruby said.

"What did you have in mind?" Yang asked.

"How about 'Wild Rose'?"

"…No one's going to get that, Rubes. That game is older than Professor Goodwitch."

At that moment, Beacon's PA system kicked on, and Glynda's voice poured from the speakers.

"Ms. Xiao Long, you fail your first class."

"You can't do that!" Yang shouted "the year hasn't even started yet!"

* * *

 **Beacon Mess Hall**

Once Yang and Ruby had arrived, they noticed that Weiss was already at one of the tables, drinking some tea. Ruby set her barley in the mill and started it grinding. Then, she tore the leg off a nearby desk, sharpened it to a point, started one of the ranges in the kitchen, and set the chunk of wood inside a frying pan on the cooktop.

At this moment, Ren and Nora walked in.

"What are you doing, Rubes?" Yang asked, confused, and slightly disturbed.

"I'm cooking a stake, so that I can have stake with my barley bread," Ruby responds.

"You do know that's a chunk of desk, right?" Yang asked.

"Huh? I thought it was a blueberry," said Ruby.

"Woah, don't you think that's a little dark for a T-rated comedy story?" asked Nora, briefly pausing her "conversation" with Ren, before immediately resuming it.

"Aww, does that mean I can't tell Jaune he is the demons?" asked Ruby, disappointed.

"Of course not," Nora said, "you'll confuse the poor boy. You know he's only slightly more intelligent than the headmaster."

At that very instant, Beacon's PA system kicked on, and an announcement rang out.

"Ms. Xiao Long, please report to the headmaster's office, immediately."

"Oh, come on! I didn't even _say_ that."

* * *

 **Headmaster's Office**

As Yang walked into the headmaster's office she saw Professor Goodwitch talking to him and wondered just how bad this was going to be. Ozpin noticed her and asked her to sit down.

"Ms. Xiao Long, your timing is impeccable. I was just speaking with Professor Goodwitch about a way to raise more money for Beacon. I was considering opening a side-business in prosthetics. Tell me, what do you think of the name 'Stubway'?"

"I think it sounds horribly insensitive, but why are you asking me?" Yang asked.

"No reason," the headmaster responded.

"So what did you call me for?" Yang asked.

"Ah, yes. There was something important I needed to discuss with you."

"Yes?"

"Your sister has silver eyes."

"Oh, yeah. About that...See the thing is, she was always eating Mercury. Like, every time I turned around she had cookies laced with it or she was just straight-up drinking a bottle of it. Don't even know where she kept getting it from. That stuff's not easy to come by. I don't really understand how she's still alive, but the doctors say that she's fine. Anyway, it all traveled to her eyes and congealed there. That's what made them silver.

"Oh. Why would she willingly ingest something that is toxic to her body?" Ozpin asked, while drinking from his thermos.

"Was there anything else, sir?"

"No, that is all. Thank you, Ms. Xiao Long."

" _That could have been a lot worse_ " Yang thought.

Yang walked out, and held the door for Pyrrha, who was going into the headmaster's office to ask about getting a new locker after she learned that the one next to her own belonged to a student named "Davy Jones".

As she walked out, she heard part of a conversation.

"Miss Nikos, your timing is impeccable, I was just speaking with Professor Goodwitch about a way to raise more money for Beacon. I was considering opening a side-business in life insurance."

* * *

 **Beacon Ballroom**

Ren opens his eyes to see Nora right in his face, so he knows its a normal day. He gets up, and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and Nora follows silently until he begins brushing his teeth, whereupon she suddenly bursts into chatter.

"I can't believe we've been at Beacon a full 24 hours. Not that I thought we'd get kicked out, or anything, I mean, you're the perfect student, and I'm, well, I'm me, but it's just crazy you know-

As Ren finishes brushing his teeth, Nora suddenly ceases talking, and resumes following him, totally silent, but still smiling widely. He walks out of the bathroom, and starts back to the Ballroom, with Nora still following silently the whole way. He greets a few students who pass by, and Nora still remains silent. Finally, he arrives back in the Ballroom, and stoops to pick up his sleeping bag. As he is folding it, Nora suddenly begins talking again, picking up right where she left off.

"- we've been friends for sooo long, What are the odds we'd still be together? Well, not together-together, not that I'm not saying you're not handsome, you are handsome, but that'd just be weird, right-"

As soon as he finished packing the sleeping bag up Nora clammed up yet again. Ren walked through the Ballroom doors into the hallways and Nora followed, smiling widely and still utterly silent. He continued through the halls until he found the kitchen, then he got a plate of pancakes and Nora sat next to him, stuffing one of them into her mouth before she resumed talking.

"-Right. What was I thinking? But still, I hope we end up on the same team together." Nora sucked the pancake up and swallowed it whole before continuing, unobstructed this time.

"We should come up with some sort of plan to make sure we end up on the same team together-"

She stopped suddenly and spoke to Ruby, "Woah, don't you think that's a little dark for a T-rated comedy story?", then resumed her line of "conversation" with Ren.

"-What if we bribe the headmaster? No, that won't work, he has a school-"

As Ren got up, Nora fell silent yet again and followed him through the hallways still smiling widely enough to scare several students. He had long since given up hope on ever figuring her out, so he just rolled with the punches. And speaking of punches-

"Good Morning, Yatsu," said one of the generic, faceless students.

*THUNK*

Said student immediately made a human-shaped indentation in one of the lockers

"Yeah, see you later too," he said before passing out.

Fortunately, it wasn't Ren's locker, so it wasn't Ren's problem. Ren opened his locker and, right as he predicted:

"-I know! We'll have some sort of signal. Like a distress signal." she gasped "A secret signal, so we can find each other in the forest Can you imitate a sloth?"

* * *

 **Beacon Cliffs**

It was finally happening. Ruby was so excited that she was barely able to hold her composer. But hold him she did, and she forced him to make music all day long.

"For yearsh yoo have traiiiined to become *hic* worriers, and today yer 'bilities will beeeeevaluated in the Emerld Forst." slurred Ozpin, still sipping from his giant thermos.

"Now, I'm sure many of you have heard rumours about the assignment of teams," said Professor Goodwitch, "allow us to-

"It's whoever you see first!" yelled the headmaster, suddenly. He sobers up really fast.

"Ozpin!"

"Get to the end of the forest, and get the relic," he continued.

"Wait, what relic?" Glynda asked, "This is the first I've heard of any relic."

"How will we be getting down there?" asked Jaune.

"Well, you'll be walkin-"

*WHOOSH*

Glynda was interrupted by someone to the right of Nora suddenly shooting off toward the forest. She looked stunned for a brief second, then immediately turned back to the headmaster

"What the h**l, Ozpin!" said the outraged Glynda, "when did you install springboards into this cliff? Where did you even get springboards? How did you even know that the initiation would be held here? I explicitly told the other staff to keep this from you for this very reason!"

As Professor Goodwitch was going off on the headmaster, Ren was quietly laughing, and nudging a nearby wrench into a bush.

"Don't tell me you used Oobleck's Detox Fund for this." Glynda shouted.

Meanwhile, Juane is watching with rapidly compounding dread, as springboards start to go off closer and closer to him. No that's not a typo; there is someone in this initiation named Juane. Juane looks exactly like Jaune, suspiciously so in fact, but with a sombrero and pencil moustache. They look so much alike that Glynda had to have them both in the same room to confirm that Juane wasn't Jaune pretending to be someone else to have a backup identity in case he was removed from Beacon. While they were there they also confirmed that they were unrelated, but Juane's parents are also named Unnamed Mother and Unnamed Father.

First, those generic silhouettes that are unlikely to survive were launched. Then the people with faces started going.

" _Was he the one who did this?_ " Jaune thought, as he saw Ren chuckling.

He didn't have any more time to think, unfortunately, as Ruby and her sister had just been launched. Jaune grit his teeth, and braced himself for the inevitable breaking of his legs. It never came, though.

" _It's broken_ _?_ " he wondered.

That seemed to be the case. The only people who weren't launched were himself and Pyrrha, who had jumped off her springboard when she saw that it was labelled "Mortal Coil". His happiness at not being launched was to be short-lived, however.

"… always having to clean up after your madness, Ozpin!"

Jaune stood at the edge of the cliff, surveying it, looking for a safe way down, as Pyrrha approached him. When he heard steps, he turned around and noticed her.

"Oh, hey Pyrrha, what's u- Oh, God, please don't-"

"Madness?! THIS IS SPARTA!"

 **CHAPTER END**

* * *

 **This marks the end of my break. My classes will be picking up soon, so don't expect to hear anything from me for a while.**


	7. Don't Do Drugs

Don't Do Drugs

 **Rated T for censored language, and mentions of drugs.**

* * *

 **Emerald Forest**

The Nevermore sits atop its perch on the highest tree in the forest. It knows it is the king of these lands. Everything falls before the might of its razor-sharp feathers. Even that stupid Death Stalker scurrying around on the forest floor is inferior to the king's might. Then, from one of the directions (it doesn't need to know which one, it is the _king!_ ), a swarm of black approaches. The Nevermore lets loose an ear-piercing screech, letting the newcomer know that it rules these lands, but the arrogant thing doesn't seem to care. The king of this forest rose from its wooded throne to put this trespasser in its place. It fired its feathers (which were razor-sharp, in case you forgot), but they simply passed through the swarm of black. Then, the swarm descended on it. Screeches and feathers flew everywhere as this new, unholy abomination tore the Nevermore limb from limb, then devoured the remains. It wasn't yet satisfied, though, it hadn't found its target. The swarm rose, individual members struggling to keep their place in it. One of them fell behind, and was left. There was no place for the weak. Lost and now without a purpose, it drifted placidly until Ruby hit it.

"Birdie, no!" Ruby shouted. She grabbed Crescent Rose, deployed it to its gun form, and began firing to slow her descent. She continued firing, heedless of the cries of agony she heard below. They were just silhouette characters, after all. Eventually, she got close enough to a tree to hook it with her scythe. She shifted Crescent Rose into a scythe, and caught a tree branch with the blade. Unfortunately, the blade cut right through the tree branch, so she resumed free-falling. She attempted again, on another tree, to the same result. This continued until she got to the ground, where she landed on someone.

* * *

Weiss flew through the air, doing some kind of hand sign things, apparently unaware that she wasn't in a show about ninja. Maybe she watched too much Norato the day before? Anyway, magic circle things called "glyphs" appeared in the air in front of her, and she stepped on them to get to the ground. Her efforts to land gracefully were wasted, however, because someone landed on her as soon as she touched down.

* * *

Ren is flying through the forest with Nora until, suddenly, he draws his guns, hooks them into a nearby tree, and spirals down it. What do these people have against trees? Nora is nowhere to be seen, which is a disaster in the making, so Ren hurries off to find her. As he is looking, he finds himself attacked by a King Taijitu and surrounded by Beowolves. Ren attempts to escape so that he can find Nora before she opens a portal for monsters to come pouring out of. "What does that mean?", you may be wondering. Some questions are better left unasked. As he is avoiding the King Taijitu's strikes, Nora comes bounding out of the forest, and jumps on one Beowolf's back.

* * *

Yang is flying through the forest with… is that why she had beans at breakfast? Oh, wait, that's just her shotgun gauntlets. Ladies and gentlemen, our first fart joke. It's all downhill from here.

* * *

As soon as she realized what she had done, Pyrrha dove off the cliff like… I don't know, like some kind of athlete. In yet another callous display of disregard for nature, she fell through the trees bashing them into pieces with her shield, then pitched forward into a roll and landed on a branch, righting herself and raising her weapon, which had turned into a rifle. She looked down the crosshairs at the end of the barrel, then suddenly her vision tunneled in, or something, because that's not a scope at the end of her weapon's barrel. Man, if her vision is already going, there's _no way_ she'll live to see twenty. She spied Jaune, and her tunnel vision cleared as she lowered her weapon. She spun it quickly around her arm, and it turned into a spear. Then, she took careful aim, and as she threw the spear, it fired a round, and went even faster. Holy crap, I want one of those. The spear flies true, and pins the hood of Jaune's shirt. Not because I pity him for everything he's already endured, but because other people have already done the joke where she hits him.

When Pyrrha finds Jaune again, Weiss is walking away from him. Pyrrha frees him, and together they begin to search for the relics. Their search took them to a cave, and Jaune decided it was a great idea to go in. He better not be made the leader of whatever team he gets put into. Of course, since Jaune is Jaune, trouble will always find him, and it did, this time, in the form of a giant scorpion thing. As they were attempting to retreat from the creature, the green-shirted guy, who may have been the one to put Jaune _in_ this situation, appeared along with an orange-haired, couldn't-possibly-be-human ball of energy who was RIDING A BEOWOLF?!

" _The Grimm aren't going to be the ones who kill me,_ " Jaune thought.

* * *

 **Emerald Forest**

Ruby gets up from the person she landed on, and comes face-to-face with Weiss, because people would eat me alive if I changed the partner assignments. Weiss, upon realizing who she was stuck with, attempts to walk away and finds Jaune, who was pinned to a tree. She walks back to Ruby and grabs her hood, pulling her along.

"What's the hurry?" Ruby asks, while being pulled along.

"I will not let my mission be delayed because you're too slow," Weiss responds.

Ruby dashes ahead of Weiss

"What the-" Weiss says.

"I'm not slow, see." Ruby responds, "You don't have to worry about me."

There was more conversation, but it's been too long since I wrote something funny, so we'll just skip it.

Weiss suddenly finds herself alone in the forest. The camera spins around her, and she asks it to stop, because she is dizzy. Then Grimm start walking out of the bushes. Weiss is surrounded, but Ruby comes back, off-screen.

"There's too many, we're surrounded," Weiss says.

"Not to worry, my semblance is speed," Ruby says, proudly.

"How will going fast help us?" Weiss asked

"Not that kind of speed," Ruby snorted, "this kind."

Then she activated her semblance, and white powder flew everywhere.

A table appeared when Weiss looked up, and Yang and Ruby appeared to be doing something with it.

Weiss took a closer look, and saw Yang and Ruby at the table, playing Remant: The Game.

"Hey, Yang. Earth to Yang"

"Sorry, Rubes. Doing this Atlesian accent makes it difficult to concentrate on playing board games."

"Hey, everybody," says Nora. I told you she was in every hallucination. She was sitting on the ground a few feet away from the table, legs folded beneath her, and she appeared to be meditating. On closer inspection, Weiss noticed that Nora was actually levitating off the ground. Weird.

Now, you might think that this was a bad move, that Ruby left Weiss defenseless against the Beowolves. What you don't know is that her semblance affected them, as well. All of the Beowolves are sharing the same methamphetamine-induced hallucination about sitting at a dimly-lit table and playing poker.

Nora is there too, of course, but she's on a boat.

"I'm on a boat," Nora says. "take a good, hard look at my-"

Then she turned into a jet.

"Like a boss."

Yes, Nora. Like a boss.

Because it was her own semblance, Ruby was immune to the hallucinogenic effects of her speed. She still saw Nora for some reason, though. While the Grimm were preoccupied with what appeared to be an imaginary card game, Ruby picked them off with ease. By the time Weiss returned to lucidity the Grimm were all dead.

* * *

 **In the Beowolves' Hallucination,**

One by one, the members of the poker game began folding. As soon as they dropped their cards, they disappeared. Before its death, the last one saw Nora jump on its back.

* * *

 **Emerald Forest**

Then Nora started riding the Beowolf. Ren wasn't really sure how exactly she managed that, but he knew better than to think too hard about something that Nora had a hand in.

While the King Taijitu is distracted with the Beowolf that Nora is riding and using to kill the other Beowolves, Ren runs up to it, jumps on its back, runs up its back, then grabs its head. He then begins channeling the power of Old Spice to blow its mind right in front of its face.

"Oh nooo!" the Kaing Taijitu says. Then its head explodes.  
"What a powerful mistake I've made," the other head says. Then it falls over dead, because POWER!

With the threat over for now, Ren and Nora stop to rest. Nora removes a strange cube from...somewhere

"Check this out, Ren," she says, "I found it in the forest."

As Ren goes to take a closer look at it, they hear sounds of a fight from somewhere. They go to the source of the noise to find Pyrrha and Jaune, fighting a giant, eight-legged monster with two great pincers on either side of its body, and a glowing stinger connected to a tail.

Ren and Nora close the distance with the Grimm and begin attacking it. This gives Jaune and Pyrrha time to get away. Once Ren and Nora see that their compatriots managed to escape they themselves disengage the Grimm and retreat in the same direction.

Jaune and Pyrrha are sitting in a clearing, having escaped the Death Stalker thanks to Ren and Nora. Pyrrha notices that Jaune's injuries are still present, and asks about his Aura. When she learns that it is still locked she begins wondering how he managed to recover so quickly from falling down the steps to Beacon not once, but three times. She offers to activate his Aura for him, but since there aren't any jokes I can make about it, we're just skipping that. As the process is complete, Ren and Nora make their way into the clearing. Then suddenly, there is a tremendous commotion. It's a strange sound, like thousands of Nevermores all squawking at the same time, but somehow there's something deeper, more sinister, to it.

Somewhere, just out of sight, the squawking reaches a fever-pitch. Amidst the evil-sounding noise, the high-pitched squeals of a Death Stalker in agony can be heard. The Death Stalker runs in their direction, but it's not to pursue them. A mass of black is swarming around it, and its squeals are silenced in mere seconds, as it stops moving. Then, the unholy squawking begins drawing closer to Jaune and his friends as the mass of black moves toward them. As it draws closer, holes can be seen in its composition showing that it isn't one creature, but many. _Very_ many. Ren, Nora, and Pyrrha all wonder what that awful noise is, but Jaune already knows. It can be seen in his shivering, heard in his shuddering breaths, smelled in his…Oh, that's disgusting! Oh, wait, that's just a water bottle that broke.

When Jaune turns to look at his allies, there is a haunted look in his eyes, a look of regret at what he condemned them to. As the mass of black nears them, it begins to separate into individuals, all targeting one person. He speaks with a voice reminiscent of a small child,

"They're heeeere."

* * *

 **Beacon Academy**

The staff of Beacon were all gathered in Beacon Tower for an annual event exclusively for the staff members. Ozpin stumbled drunkenly around his office, tapping a wall. When nothing happens, he moves to the next and repeats the process. Once again nothing occurs and once again he moves to the next one. On the fourth wall, Ozpin finds a painting. He slides it up to reveal a keypad and enters a number combination. Once the combination is entered, the section of the wall that it was set into begins moving away and the entrance to a secret room is revealed. The secret room's door has a biometric scan lock on the door to keep non-staff members out. Ozpin scans his fingerprint and the door opens. There was a crack in the wall, where Ozpin had once to force his way in, after someone had replaced the biometric scanner with a breathalyzer. The headmaster knows that it was Glynda but there is no evidence. Once inside the room, the staff members each grabbed a container of popcorn and sat down in one of the aisle seats. Ozpin pressed a button, and they were ready to watch the latest batch of suckers try to take on the initiation.

While watching Jaune get into various emasculating situations, Professor Port advised that Glynda check his transcripts again, along with those of this Juane fellow to ensure that they weren't completely identical. By sheer coincidence, they were. He had a sneaking suspicion that Jaune's may not have been entirely accurate. Glynda knew, of course, that the transcripts were fake. She was able to tell as soon as she got them that they were forged, but she passed them on to Ozpin and he approved the application. Of course, he was plastered at the time that she passed them onto him, so that was probably why Jaune was approved.

As Glynda was watching, she spied Velvet walking through the forest, and Cardin Winchester and a few other people walking toward her.

" _I'd better get the headmaster, or this might end badly,_ " she thought.

Unfortunately, the headmaster was passed out in his chair.

* * *

 **Emerald Forest**

Velvet was in the Emerald Forest, just minding her own business, when a new student, and a gang of silhouettes walked up to her.

"Well, if it isn't a filthy animal," said the new student. So, he's one of _those_ types.

"Generic, animal-related insult," said one of the silhouettes.

"That's the wrong animal, idiot," said Cardin.

Velvet looked at her hand by her side, then back to Cardin, then back to her hand, then back to Cardin. She did this once more, before Cardin spoke up,

"What are you doing?" he said.

"I-I'm sorry," Velvet squeaked, "It's just that-" suddenly, her voice was more intense, and the air was stifling,

"I see a b***h, but I don't see a sandwich," she said.

"What?"

"Aww, Were you dropped on your head as a child?" she asked, "Don't worry, I'll say it more slowly this time. Get…me…a…sandwich, b***h."

"No!" Cardin said, then

"OW!" Cardin said.

"Wrong answer." Velvet told him.

* * *

 **Beacon Tower, Observation Room**

Glynda was looking on with trepidation, when Ozpin spoke, making her jump,

"It would appear that Miss Scarlatina has found her new b***h," he said, while using his scroll to access the school records.

* * *

 **Emerald Forest**

The _things_ had seen them. They were closing the distance, now.

"Jaune," Ren said, cautious, "what are those?"

"They're…pigeons," he responded, "I knew they would find me, I knew that nowhere was safe. I had just hoped that, when they finally did, that no one else would have to suffer, as well."

"Cheer up, Jaune," Nora said, "we can handle these things,"

"How?" He asked, "You saw what they did to that Grimm."

"Yeah, but we have something even scarier," she said, "we…have Ren."

A quick glance at Ren showed his affirmation to the plan, then, they moved.

Nora took the other two as far away as she could, and Ren stood in the middle of the clearing, waiting on the approaching demons.

As they neared him, he mustered all of his concentration, and delved into his mind, preparing to unleash the full weight of the truth he held.

Time, it seemed to Jaune, had slowed in those moments, when the devil birds swarmed over Ren, completely enveloping him. Jaune reached with all his might from his position on Nora's shoulder, but Ren was beyond help. He was sure they would not even find enough to bury.

Then, from the mass of black, burst a single iridescent appendage with eyes seemingly floating around on it. The swarm moved to it, and the appendage was soon covered, leaving a hole in the swarm, that revealed Ren, completely unharmed. The appendage swiped furiously at the birds that surrounded it, and every one that made contact was pulled into the slime that comprised it. Within minutes, the pigeons were all gone, but the thing that remained was even more horrible.

"What kind of Grimm is _that_?!" Jaune asked, horrified.

"That's not a Grimm silly; that's Ren's sense of humor," Nora responded

"TEKELI-LI! TEKELI-LI!"

* * *

 **Emerald Forest, Ruined Temple**

Everyone arrived at the temple, pretty much at the same time.

Weiss' eyes were bloodshot, but otherwise, she seemed fine. Jaune, and Pyrrha looked like they had seen infinite horrors, and Yang and the black-haired girl, who introduced herself as Blake, didn't run into any significant resistance whatsoever.

Nearly everyone with a face arrived at the temple physically intact, and they all reached for a relic. The problem is, there were only two: a peg leg, and a strange, blue book. While most of the prospective students began discussing what to do with the relics, Nora just swiped them, and put them in the cube she had found earlier.

Immediately a portal opened up and bipedal cows with halberds came pouring out. This is _exactly_ the sort of thing that Ren was afraid would happen.

* * *

 **CHAPTER END**

 **You thought the whole abomination thing was an expression, didn't you?**

 **I've never used any recreational drugs, so I can't personally verify anything I put here, regarding them.**

 **I don't think "speed", otherwise known as Methamphetamine, actually induces hallucinations directly, but use of it can lead to visual and auditory hallucinations, due to lack of sleep. I also don't think it leaves your eyes bloodshot by itself, but, again, lack of sleep. Don't do drugs, kids.**

* * *

 **Deleted Scene**

Of course, he was plastered at the time that she passed them onto him. Glynda knew that, too. That was why she sent them at that time. She was getting back at him for deliberately inserting a typo into the pamphlet for Beacon Academy last year.

He made it say "Bacon Academy", and of course bacon and guns in the same place resulted in a mass influx of Americans attempting to join Beacon. Most of them were turned down, but the headmaster managed to force a few through and he promptly organized them into Team BEER. It was horrible.


	8. Insert Clever Title Here

Insert Clever Title Here

 **Rated T for censored language.**

* * *

 **Ozpin's Office**

"I'm telling you, it's real," Nora exclaimed, "just ask Ren,"

"I understand what you think you saw, Miss Valkyrie, but I assure you, there is no Cow Level," Ozpin replied. "Now then, what happened after you retrieved the relics?"

"Well, we got back up the cliff, then Jaune fell off again. When we finally got to the top again, we found Cardin there."

"What was he doing?"

"He was unconscious, and holding something. I assumed it was another artifact, and brought him to the infirmary. He was whimpering the whole time."

"That is to be expected. Very well, Miss Valkyrie, you may proceed back to the Main Hall. I will be arriving shortly to announce the team assignments."

As Nora was leaving, Glynda stormed in.

"What is this, headmaster? "she asked, gesturing to the scroll she held. It contained the team assignments.

"About that…"

*Flashback*

Ozpin was, once again, thoroughly wasted. Unfortunately, he happened to be deciding Team assignments at this time.

"Let's shee…" he said, looking at the scroll in his hand. Glynda had installed an acronym generator onto his scroll, and he uses that, since thinking hurts his head. He inputs the first letters of every student's name, and lets it organize them for him. He then takes the results and uses them to create the teams. Then it comes time to select a leader.

The first one was Team BWRY. Glynda wouldn't let him add Ren to this one to make it BRWRY, so had had to go with what was available.

"Bla… Black…Bleh…her is the most level-headed one of that group, so...so she will be the liter *hic*...leader ."

As he went to select Blake, his drunken reflexes kicked in and he selected Ruby instead.

"Well…s**t, what am I supposed to name the team, now?" he asked no one in particular. The shock of the incident sobered him up some, but not enough to realize that selecting teams while he was this hammered was a terrible idea, so he continued on to the next team.

"Okay, Pyrrha should be the leader of this one, since she's the most experienced fighter there." he said. His finger slipped once again, and he selected Jaune. He took a big gulp from his thermos to help him focus.

"Okay…one more time" he said, and looked at the remaining students.

Cardin Winchester, Russel Thrush, Dove Bronzewing, Sky Lark

"Well…s**t," he said, again, turning his thermos upside-down into his mouth.

*End Flashback*

"But I could have sworn that I didn't confirm the assignments before I passed ou…er… fell asleep." Ozpin said.

"Well who did?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe Mr. Ren might know. He was there when I woke up this morning."

"…"

"Well, anyway, there's nothing we can do about it, now. We may as well go announce the teams."

So, they proceeded to the Main Hall, because the author doesn't actually know where the teams were announced.

* * *

 **The Infirmary**

Cardin awoke slowly, vague memories of pain still plaguing him.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"The infirmary," was the reply of a nearby nurse.

He noticed a package on the table near his cot.

"What's this?" he asked the nurse.

"Oh, that's yours. Someone dropped it off, earlier."

"What's in it?" he asked. He opened the box, to find that it contained a variety of utensils, such as spatulas, scissors, cookie cutters, and a grater, as well as a few dishes, such as plates.

"It's a 'Velvet's B***h Starter Pack'." she replied.

"What?! I am no one's b***h." Cardin said, aggravated.

"Calm down, Mr. Winchester. I'd hate to have to bother Miss Scarlatina about her b***h acting up so early into the year," she said

"I am no one's b***h!" Cardin yelled. He got up from his cot, and left the infirmary, leaving the box behind. The nurse called someone to deliver it to his dorm.

Cardin wandered the halls of Beacon, looking for something. There was somewhere he was supposed to be, he knew it, but couldn't remember where. He was slowly gravitating to the Mess Hall, when Glynda and Ozpin found him, and took him to the Main Hall.

* * *

 **Main Hall**

Jaune, Pyrrha, Nora, and Ren's pictures all showed up on a screen set high on one wall in the Main Hall.

"Jaune Arc, Lie Ren, Pyrrha Nikos, Nora Valkyrie, from this day forward, you will work together as Team JNPR,"

Cheering and applause.

"Led by: Jaune Arc,"

It stopped. Unfortunately, it did so at the exact time that Pyrrha gave Jaune a friendly punch on the shoulder, so everyone heard his high-pitched cry, and began laughing. It went on for about 15 minutes, before Ozpin finally quieted everyone.

Team JNPR's pictures were replaced by four more.

"Blake Belladonna, Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, and Yang Xiao Long, from this day forward, you will work together as… Team RuhWubby, led by Ruby Rose,"

"Can't we just pronounce it 'Ruby'?" asked Ruby.

"No! Does that _look_ like 'Ruby' to you?" Ozpin asked.

"No, but-"

"No 'buts', you are Team RuhWubby," he said.

"Fine." she responded.

"Finally, Cardin Winchester, Russel Thrush, Dove Bronzewing, and...uh, Chip Skylark, you will be Slytherin...I mean Team Curdle."

"Chip Skylark is not my name, sir."

"It is now."

* * *

 **The Next Day, Team RuhWubby's Dorm**

Weiss wakes slowly, feeling utterly peaceful. Until a whistle is suddenly blown in her face and she falls over.

"Good morning Team RuhWubby!" Ruby says.

"What in the world is wrong with you?" Weiss asks as she gets up.

"Now that you're awake, we can officially begin our first order of business," Ruby says, completely ignoring Weiss' question.

"Excuse me?" Weiss says (asks?) while rising, and dusting off her arm. Or maybe she was scratching something. Who knows _what_ was in that bed before she was.

"Decorating!" Yang says, completely ignoring Weiss' question.

"What?" Weiss' asks, astounded.

"We still have to unpack," Blake says, completely ignoring Weiss' question.

Then her luggage case breaks open, and 30 pounds of barley come tumbling out.

"…and clean up." Blake says.

Ruby blows her whistle at Weiss again, because she's a jerk, then Team RuhWubby gets into a montage where they start unpacking all of their stuff.

After it's all over their dorm room has more character but the beds are all piled up in the middle of the room.

"…How did we not notice that while we were moving things?" Blake asked.

"Well, Nora designed that montage, so…" Ruby said.

"Maybe we should ditch some of our stuff," Yang said.

"Or we could ditch the beds," Ruby responded, "and replace them with bunk beds!"

"No. Do you have any idea how unsafe that is?" Weiss asked, but everyone completely ignored her question.

They dash toward the beds, and we begin hearing the sound of…demolition hammers? What would they even need those for? Several seconds later, the beds are now stacked atop one another.

"Alright, our second order of business is-" The camera begins spinning rapidly around her, and she sits down on her bed, dizzy.

"-classes. Now, we have a few classes together, today. At 9:00 we've got to be-

"What?!" Weiss interrupted. "Did you say 9:00?"

"Um…"

"It's 8:55, you dunce!"

Then they all ran out in Scooby-Doo fashion, with Team JNPR following, not far behind.

* * *

 **Beacon Classroom**

The professor, Peter Port, was in the middle of his lecture.

"Monsters, Demons, Prowlers of the Night, passive-aggressive Tumblr users; Yes, the creatures of Grimm have many names, but I merely refer to them as 'prey.'"

His declaration was met with silence.

"And you will too, after you graduate from this prestigious academy. Now, as I was saying."

The class waited, attentive, and by "attentive", I mean almost completely unconscious.

"Vale, along with the other three kingdoms, are safe havens in an otherwise treacherous world. Our planet is absolutely teeming with creatures that would love nothing more than to tear you to pieces. Then there are the Grimm."

Weiss began nodding off at the start of his story, then she heard scribbling, and turned to see Ruby doodling. Actually, her pencil wasn't even touching the paper, so how it managed to make those scribbling sounds are beyond me. And the sounds were totally inconsistent with her movements.

The scribbling drilled its way into her brain, and under the constant assault of the sound, Weiss felt her composure breaking. Right before she snapped-

"So, who among you believes themselves to be the embodiment of these traits?" Professor Port asked.

Weiss' hand shot up before he had finished talking. She didn't even know what the Professor had said, she just had to get away.

"I do, sir!"

"Well, then. Let's find out. Step forward, and face your opponent." The professor said, while gesturing to a cage that- Hold on, has that been there this whole time? How did no one notice that?

Anyway, the cage was shaking, and the creature contained within was making croaking noises as it shuffled around in the metal box.

* * *

 **CHAPTER END**


	9. Everybody Hates Cardin

Everybody Hates Cardin

 **Rated T for censored language.**

 _Last time, on Flagon Ball…_

 ** _Don't drink and drive, folks._**

 _"So, who among you believes themselves to be the embodiment of these traits?" Professor Port asked._

 _Weiss' hand shot up before he had finished talking. She didn't even know what the Professor had said, she just had to get away._

 _"I do, sir!"_

 _"Well, then. Let's find out. Step forward, and face your opponent." The professor said, while gesturing to a cage that- Hold on, has that been there this whole time? How did no one notice that?_

 _Anyway, the cage was shaking, and the creature contained within was making croaking noises as it shuffled around in the metal box._

* * *

 **Beacon Classroom**

Weiss stood a few metres in front of the cage, the monster within still croaking, just in case someone still thinks that it's a Boarbatusk. At some point, she had changed from her uniform, to her battle clothing, but we won't make a big deal out of it, since not only have other people already done jokes about that, they have also already done jokes about jokes about that. A joke about jokes about jokes about that is the only thing that hasn't been done yet.

Weiss stood poised, holding her Gunbla…Multi-Action Dust Rapier, and the rest of Team RuhWubby was sitting at their desks cheering her on.

"Go, Weiss," said Yang

"Fight well," said Blake, waving a flag made of barley. She had to do something with all of it.

"Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!" said Ruby.

"Ruby! I'm trying to focus," said Weiss

Port cleared his throat, drawing attention back to him.

"All right, Let the match begin," he said, striking the lock on the cage with his Blunderbaxe, and accidentally shooting one of the silhouette characters with the gun on the bottom of it.

The door fell forward with a loud slam, and a huge crustacean came scuttling out.

It charged toward her at the swiftest pace it was able to, being that a crab's legs aren't exactly made for speed, even if some of them are deceptively fast.

Weiss jumped and struck at it, but the attack bounced off the shell. Then she did twisting flips in the air for some reason. It wasn't like she was in any danger, being out of the creature's reach. Whilst in the middle of her unnecessary acrobatics, she noticed that she was lighter than expected. Then the hermit crab Grimm managed to stop its momentum, and turned to face her.

"Ha-ha! Bet you weren't expecting that!" Port says.

As the Grimm starts toward Weiss again, she notices that she was floating in the air, defying physics, and more importantly, unable to move away from the approaching Grimm.

"Crap. I must have loaded the Pixie Dust cartridges into Murder-naster, again."

It advanced toward her at a crab's pace, but she was unable to get out of the way, because she was floating.

"…"

Still advancing.

"…"

Almost there.

"…"

Finally, it reached her, and she struck again. It grabbed Murder-naster in its large front pincer, and slung her around like a rag doll. Since the Pixie Dust hadn't worn off yet, she was unable to control where she went.

" _I whip my heiress back and forth,_ " the Grimm said.

Weiss was trying desperately to reduce her faith and trust, but Ruby yelling "Blood for the blood god!" in the background was really messing with her head.

Finally, the Dust wore off, and Weiss fell to the ground. The Grimm had kept hold of Murder-naster, however, and when she fell, she lost her grip. It threw her Gunblade a few feet away.

"Ho-ho, now what will you do without your weapon?" Port asked, because, you know, everyone in this class is blind, and he absolutely _must_ narrate, or no one will know what is happening.

It charged toward her again, and just before it hit, Nora imparted some invaluable advice.

"Do a barrel roll!" she said. So Weiss did. The barrel roll successfully took her out of harm's way, and the Grimm slammed into one of the nearby desks, causing Jaune to fall out of his, and onto the ground.

With the Grimm now busy attacking Jaune, while everyone else laughed at him, Weiss took off toward Murder-nasty, and scooped it up.

Having seen enough of her partner's attacks failing, Ruby decided to speak up,

"Weiss," she yelled, "It's a giant enemy crab! Attack its weak spot for massive damage!"

"Stop telling me what to do!" Weiss yelled.

Then the giant hermit crab pitched forward in place, and, completely ignoring physics, began spinning like Sonic the Hedgehog.

As it flew toward her with its spin dash, Weiss made a bunch of handsigns, and a magic platform appeared, blocking the attack, and knocking the crab over. Then she created another one, without the handsigns this time, and jumped onto it, then kicked off it, and stabbed the giant enemy crab in its weak spot for massive damage.

"Bravo, bravo," said Port, "It appears we are indeed in the presence of a true huntress in training. I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today. Be sure to cover the assigned readings, and stay vigilant."

"But you didn't assign any readings," one of the silhouettes said.

"There will be a test on them," Port continued, "Class dismissed."

* * *

Weiss and Ruby got into an argument about who should lead the team, but I can't make fun of it, so I'm skipping it.

* * *

 **The Next Day, A Different Room with a Holodeck of Some Kind**

Jaune and Cardin are facing off in a virtual arena. Jaune is bent over, attempting to catch his breath.

 **This fight scene sponsored by:**

 **Do you want to see the world? Do you want to change the world?** **Then come to Generic Thug Academy.**

 **GTA is a fully accredited institution for learning the fine art of being a criminal peon.**

 **Courses include:**

 **Car Jacking**

 **Professional Robbery**

 **Basic Intimidation (Prerequisite) and Advanced Intimidation**

 **Extortion (Requires Basic Intimidation)**

 **and much more.**

 **Tuition is reasonable, especially if the money used is stolen.**

 **Background check required.**

 **Come to GTA, and get your future started today.**

"*huff* *huff* *huff*," Jaune says.

"Heh-Heh," Cardin says. Apparently, they're communicating through unintelligible noises, now.

"Arghh!" Jaune says, as he charges toward Cardin, preparing to swing his sword.

"Ragh!" Cardin says, sidestepping Jaune. He then proceeds to smack Jaune away with his weapons, a pair of paddles. Yes, paddles. Velvet decided that he needed new weapons. After taking suggestions from a few people, she ultimately went with the one Yang provided. Of course, being Yang's suggestion, it was bound to be a pun, so now he has Cardin Paddles.

He tried to refuse them, but no one refuses Velvet, so, ultimately, he threw his mace out the window. Jaune happened to be sitting under that window, but since Cardin is lower on the pecking order than Jaune, the mace didn't hit him. Instead, Jaune bent over at the last minute to pick up a Lien note, and the mace fell directly onto a coffee cup. Fortunately it didn't break, since Cardin is lower on the pecking order than the coffee cup. It's owner was not happy, though, and got up to search for the perpetrator.

Jaune got up from where he had been knocked over, and charged at Cardin again.

"Ragh!" Jaune said, and his sword clashed with Cardin's paddles. Despite being made of wood, the paddles didn't give way because they knew better than to displease Velvet.

"Ragh!" said Cardin, as he began pushing Jaune back. Then, seeing that Jaune was soon to lose, switched to English, or whatever they speak on Remnant.

"This is the part where you lose," Cardin said.

"Over my dead-" Jaune's response was interrupted by a knee to the gut. Cardin raised his paddles high, intent on finishing his opponent, but because Cardin is still lower on the pecking order than Jaune, he suddenly saw Velvet in the background, and dropped his weapons. In his rush to make a sandwich, he accidentally tripped, and fell down some conveniently appearing stairs, taking his aura to red, and giving Jaune the victory.

In the aftermath of the match, Glynda went on a monologue about Jaune's performance, then rather insincerely commented about not wanting him to get eaten by a Beowolf. Then she mentioned something about a festival that was somehow vital, but that's not going to be important at all, so we'll just skip it.

* * *

 **Beacon Mess Hall**

Everyone was gathered in the Mess Hall listening to Nora talk about a dream that she had, with Ren periodically interjecting.

"We were driving really fast down a road for some reason, when we hit a pedestrian in the middle of the road-"

"It was a Beowolf,"

"The car broke down, but we started walking because we really had to get to the somewhere-"

"It was a candy store,"

"Suddenly, we turned back, and the pedestrian we hit was upright, and all silhouetted, and shadowy-"

"So, basically a normal person?"

"He started chasing us with an axe, and yelling about how Ren was an awful author and kept playing with people's lives in his writing, and we really had to get to the lighthouse, then suddenly there was a big, black tornado-"

"What's for lunch?" Ruby asked, before I have to write any details that make it more obvious what I'm ripping off.

"Hamburgers," Nora responded, "lots and lots of hamburgers."

"Where did we get all of these hamburgers?"

"The school recently got a lot of beef from somewhere. It's almost like someone killed thousands of cows,"

"It's not real, Miss Valkyrie," Ozpin interjected, then resumed on his way.

Their conversation was interrupted when Cardin grabbed Jaune and threw him onto the table he was eating at, because the scene the show has won't be able to transition into this next part.

"Hey there, Jauney-boy" Cardin said.

"Leave him alone," Pyrrha told Cardin.

"Why should I?" Cardin asked, "He's weak."

"At least I'm not Velvet's b***h," Jaune responded.

"I am _not_ Miss Scarlatina's b***h!" Cardin roared.

"Then why did you just call her 'Miss Scarlatina'?" Jaune asked, "and why are you making a sandwich right now?"

"Th-this is for me!" Cardin insisted.

"Then eat it,"

Cardin held the sandwich in front of his face, hands shaking with the effort he was putting into trying to bring it to his mouth, but it was for naught. He gave a high-pitched shriek, and ran to where Velvet was with her team, to give her the sandwich.

"You may return to your duties now," Velvet said, after taking the sandwich.

Cardin tried his hardest to say something discriminatory, but the only thing he could get out was,

"Thank you, ma'am,"

He retreated to his team, as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch, and the start of the next class period.

* * *

 **Later that day, in another classroom**

Professor Bartholomew Oobleck stood at the front of the room, patiently waiting. The gathered students wondered when he would begin his lecture; only Oobleck knew what he was waiting for.

Suddenly, Cardin came storming in,

"Stupid psycho rabbit, and her stupid sandwiches-"

"Mr. Winchester, I see you've finally arrived," Oobleck said, "because you were late, your grade for today will be zero."

"It wasn't my fault," Cardin insisted, "that lunatic rabbit forced me to stay behind and make sandwiches."

"You should have made them faster."

"The first time, I told her 'No', and she slapped me. Then, when I was bringing her a sandwich, she slapped me again, and I dropped it."

"Why did you drop it, Mr. Winchester?"

"She hit me! Then she asked me if I expected her to eat that sandwich after it fell on the ground, and when I answered, she slapped me again! Then I went to go make another, and she followed me, slapping me the whole time!"

Maybe if you had just made a sandwich the first time you were told to, that wouldn't have happened. Go sit down, Mr. Winchester."

Cardin grudgingly complied, choosing a desk near the back of the room. Shortly after that, Velvet walked in, much to Cardin's horror.

"Miss Scarlatina, so kind of you to grace us with your presence."

She sat down near the front. Then Cardin spoke up.

"Why doesn't she get a zero? She was later than I am."

"Maybe she wouldn't have been, if you had just made a sandwich when you were supposed to."

"That isn't fair!" Cardin shouted.

"A zero tomorrow for whining like a b***h."

Cardin groaned in defeat.

"And another for dropping your mace on my coffee cup."

* * *

 **CHAPTER END**

 **Deleted Scene**

 **Mostly because I couldn't find a place for it.**

A motorcycle was driving through the streets of Vale, with no regard for the safety of pedestrians. It's driver, the P-800, was on a mission, and that mission took precedence over a few silhouettes on the sidewalks. Ozpin must be protected at all costs. Another unit, the G-1000 went back in time to kill him, and take his position as headmaster. If he is allowed to die, then the world will fall into chaos.

Recent intelligence suggests that the G-1000 was mimicking one of his staff members, and had already tried feeding him cookies with Mercury in them, but someone ate them all before he could eat enough to be toxic. His semblance, The Immortal Liver, prevented alcohol from killing him, but other things could. So it was imperative that the P-800 find him.

She pushed the motorcycle as fast as it would go, and went straight up the steps to Beacon. Once there, she parked it and reengaged her scan filter as she looked over the people coming and going.

When she looked over each person, it displayed limited information on them. The first read:

 _Name: Arc, Jaune_

 _Legal Status: Student (Beacon Academy)_

She moved to the next.

 _Name: Thrush, Russel_

 _Legal Status: Student (Beacon Academy)_

Poor kid was named after a fungal infection. Next:

 _Name: Winchester, Cardin_

 _Legal Status: Velvet's B***h (Beacon Academy)_

She decided to interrogate this one.

* * *

 **Don't worry, I'm pretty much done inserting the Generic Thug Academy ads.**

 **Carding Paddles, more commonly known as Hand Carders, or just Carders, are wooden implements with teeth, much like a hairbrush. They are used to disentangle and straighten fibres in preparation for textile production. "Carding Paddles" is a rather uncommon name for them, so uncommon in fact, that I've only ever seen the term used in one place, but "Carders", and "Hand Carders" don't make good puns.**

 **Just a heads up, the next chapter is the last, and it will be skipping forward to the end of the series. Bear that in mind when reading it, or you will probably be confused.**


	10. Something That Starts with S

Something That Starts with "S" So I Can Do That Thing from Dead Space Where the First Letter of Every Chapter Spells Out a Big Twist

 **Rated T for censored language, and non-graphic death.**

 **Welcome to the final chapter. That's right, this is the end; your suffering is nearly over. By the time you're reading this, The Blind Leading the Blind will have been marked as complete, unless you're a really fast reader, or the server is experiencing delays.**

 **Since this is the end, I have decided to forego cohesiveness, for the most part, and just stuff as many references as I can in here. There are the obvious ones, of course, but I think I managed some obscure ones this time. Gotta catch 'em all.**

 **This wasn't a rushed decision. I always planned to make this 10 chapters, I just didn't know where we would be, chronologically, by chapter 9.**

 **Also note that, since this is entirely original events, it probably won't be as high-quality as when I have something to parody, so brace your expectations as such.**

 **Without further ado, please enjoy.**

* * *

 _Timeskip to the natural end of the series_

 **Salem's Domain**

Team RuhWubby was gathered with Team JNPR in Salem's domain, facing down Salem and her faction for the final battle. Backup was on its way, in the form of Team CFVY, and Team Slytheri…I mean Team Curdle not far behind. Cardin and his goons had tried to go to the Dark Side, but all Velvet had to do was glare at him, and he was back with a sandwich.

While Team RuhWubby faced down Salem, Team JNPR was fighting her faction. Ren fought Watts, and Nora fought Tyrian, while Jaune and Pyrrha duked it out with Cinder.

You may be wondering why Pyrrha hadn't died yet. The truth is, she had. It happened after one semester, when Team JNPR decided to go on a vacation. There were only three places that weren't totally booked. The first was a wax museum in an old, abandoned looking town. Jaune refused to go there because, when he was four years old, curiosity seized him and he stuck his hand into a freshly melted candle, burning it, then pigeons attacked him. The next option was an isolated cabin by a rural town, somewhere. The online reviews looked good; everyone who commented said "Join Us." They bought tickets, but didn't go, because Pyrrha's ticket was marked "Time of Death" instead of "Time of Departure". Since the House of Wax was out of the question, the only option left was an obscure art gallery called Guertena, or something like that. They bought tickets, and went in, but Pyrrha never came out. That night, when Jaune called his mother, she told him all about her day, and what his eight sisters were up to.

It was all fine, though, since not long after that, The Universe accidentally gave Jaune one of the Four Maiden's powers, and Jaune offered to trade them back to The Universe for Pyrrha's life. After making the trade, The Universe went off to help some blue haired kid seal up some kind of ancient evil; something about the moon being the body of a giant monster, but not the one where a child is born with its soul every 108 years.

Anyway, Team JNPR is facing off with Salem's faction, and Team RuhWubby is staring down Salem with their weapons at the ready. The evil, white haired maybe-deity with pale skin, "I'm-tripping-balls" eyes, and an object of some sort in the middle of her forehead, stood tall and imposing. Why does that description sound familiar?

"You're going down, Salem," Ruby says.

"It's time to settle this like men," Salem roars. Whatever she's taking must have made her aggressive.

"A motorcycle race?" Yang asked.

"A children's card game?" Weiss asked.

"Card games on motorcycles?" Ruby asked.

"None of us are men." Blake said.

"WRONG! ALL OF YOU!" Salem thunders.

"Well, actually Blake's-"

"WRONG!" Salem yells again. She's going to have to stop yelling, because I'm running out of synonyms, "I hope you're ready, because it's time…"

Dramatic pause.

"-for a Rap Battle."

"Seriously?" Weiss asked, "we're staking the fate of the world on a rhyming contest?"

And so, the epic rap battle for the fate of the world began. You don't get to see that though, because it was originally designed as sponsored content, but Generic Thug Academy terminated their sponsorship contract with me, so now I'm not making any money off their advertisements.

* * *

While Team RuhWubby was trading flows with Salem, Team JNPR was fighting the members of Salem's faction. It was going fairly well; Team JNPR had grown significantly more skilled since they started at Beacon, and Jaune had finally discovered his semblance. Everywhere his aura touched, Legos spawned on the ground. Everyone on Salem's team was stepping on them, and it's just too horrific for a T-rated story, so I withheld it.

Ren was breaking their minds with his world-shattering secret,

"Nooooooo! I can't believe it's not butter! I won't...AGHHHH!," said Doc Brow… I mean Dr. Watso… I mean Dr. Watts.

Nora was breaking their heads with her bone-shattering hammer. Something something Game of Thrones joke with Tyrian.

After Tyrian fell over, dead, Nora looted his body-

"Nora! Stop that!" Ren said.

"Look, Ren, he has a bunch of bottle caps," Nora responded, "I bet they were going to use these for currency when they finished destroying/taking over the world,"

"That doesn't make sense, Nora," Ren said, "Grab them all."

Whilst searching Tyrian's body, Nora found a can of Generic Thug Energy Drink.

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"Mm-mm. That Generic Thug Energy Drink is dee-licious," said Tyrian, then he returned to being dead.

So it turns out that Generic Thug Energy Drink was willing to sponsor this next part, but you still don't get to see the rap battle.

Anyway, Nora grabbed the can of Generic Thug Energy Drink and opened it,

"NORA! No!" Ren said, but it was too late. She had already finished it. Ah, crap. She's vibrating now.

"Everybody, RUN!" Ren shouted.

"Ren! What's going on?" Jaune asked, as the world around him began to shake. Flashes of white filled everyone's vision, the Grimm started running away, salmon began swimming up waterfalls, and catching and eating bears, someone was looking for clothes at the Soup Store and worse, finding them. Reality was falling apart.

"Nora drank an energy drink," Ren shouted back, amidst the chaos, "she's vibrating at a universal resonance frequency!"

"What does that mean?" Jaune asked, because the author doesn't know what practical physical effects a resonance frequency actually has, but it sounds Sci-Fi, and it will probably go good with explosions, so that's what is happening.

"It means RUN!" Ren responded.

So, they ran, while explosions occurred around them like this was that one flashback from Chapter 3.

Eventually, they realized that they wouldn't be able to outrun the collapsing reality, and Ren stopped, a plan forming in his mind.

"Jaune, take Pyrrha and go," Ren said, "I've got a plan,"

"What about Nora?" Jaune asked, "Will she be alright?"

"She'll be fine," Ren responded casually, "She'll probably end up destroying reality, or something, then she'll break someone's legs and come back. This is a regular Tuesday for Nora."

Ren stopped, turned to Nora, and focused his mind. Then, the familiar abomination manifested from nowhere again.

"One last time, old friend," Ren said to it.

"TEKELI-LI! TEKELI-LI!" It took off toward Nora.

Reality distorted around it as it approached Nora, and it strained to maintain its sanity. When it got close enough, Nora jumped atop it, and grabbed two of its tendrils, pulling them like a pair of reins.

Nora steered the unholy abomination through hordes of Grimm, their heads exploding as she passed, as though she was a cowboy riding through a zombie-filled wasteland on the fourth horse of the apocalypse.

Salem shortly became visible at the edge of her vision, and she steered toward the villain.

* * *

"I'm still standin', huh! F**k! Come on! Go ahead! I take your f****n' bullet! Come on! I take your f****n' bullet! You think you kill me with bullets? I take your f****n' bullets! Go ahead!" shouted Salem, who had lost the rap battle off-screen, but was still very much tripping balls.

"By the power of Greyskull … I have the powerrr!" said Nora, riding up beside Salem.

Salem gaped, paralyzed by fear, at the visage of the horrid abomination before her,

"What _is_ that thing?!" She asked, horrified.

"It's just Ren's sense of humor," Ruby said.

See, I told you it would even scare Salem.

"Not that," Salem said, then pointed to Nora, who was riding atop it " _that_!"

Oh. That's what she was scared of.

"What is wrong with you people?!" Salem asked, she was about to continue, but was cut off by Nora,

"I'M A' FIRIN' MAH LAZER!" Nora said from atop Ren's sense of humor. And she did. I'm not talking about the thing she was riding, no, Nora fired the laser from her own mouth. I don't know how she learned to do that, but she did. The laser eviscerated Salem, wrapping the plot up somewhat cleanly. It also eviscerated most of the reality in Salem's domain. Fortunately, Team RuhWubby, has plot armor, so the blast knocked them out of the way, or something, and they're fine.

* * *

 **Some Sort of Infinite Abyss, Possibly the Internet**

In the aftermath of Nora's laser, all that's left is her, falling gently in an endless void of black, all alone. Oh, wait, there's some kind of white sphere with a blue, eye-like thing, talking to itself. Nora listened in, but was only able to catch the tail end of the conversation.

"I'm proud of you, son." It said, in a deep voice.

"Dad, are you space?" It asked itself, this time in a higher voice.

"Yes. Now we are a family again." It responded to itself.

Of course, as with all things, Nora quickly grew bored of it, and decided to see how far she could fly with the ammunition remaining in her grenade hammer, Valkyrion the Magnhild Warrior. She folded it into its grenade launcher shape, and began firing. As she tumbled through the endless black, she saw an unconscious kid, also falling.

He had brown hair, and was wearing red shorts, decorated with chains and zippers, and on his feet were a ridiculously large pair of yellow shoes.

He was falling headfirst toward some sort of large, cylindrical platform decorated with a princess eating an apple, and several hairy people around her. She was eating the apple, not eating the hairy people. He was going to land on it, until Nora accidentally ran into him, and knocked him off track,

"Oops," She said, as he spiraled into the black, "I hope he wasn't too important."

As she continued to fall, she eventually spied another set of platforms, but these were square. One of them had a closed door on one wall, and a lamppost in the middle. Some say it was the ghost of Ozpin's favorite lamppost, that had been sent there after Ruby destroyed it. There was also a wastebin with something shining inside of it. The two square platforms appeared to have once been interconnected, but the bridge between them was destroyed. As Nora landed, she saw an old man just standing in one corner. Nora approached him to question him about their location,

"Where are we?" she asked.

"Welcome," he responded, "to the End of Time,"

Nora looked around, but nothing seemed to be able to keep her attention.

"Alright, well, I'm gonna go, now," Nora said.

"No! Wait, please don't leave me! The only thing that talks to me around here is _that_ ," the old man said, gesturing to the closed door. Behind it, she could hear someone muttering about a Master of War, and yelling randomly about "running around the room while thinking 'magic.'"

"What about them?" Nora asked, pointing to several people, a humanoid robot, and an anthropomorphic frog, all standing on the other platform.

"They never say anything," the old man responded, "they don't even talk to each other. Occasionally some guy comes by in a hovercraft and picks them up, while dropping a few others off, but other than that, they just sit there, not even blinking. It's really creepy. I thought I saw one of them move once, so I destroyed the bridge, so they can't get over here."

Why don't you just leave?" Nora asked.

"In what? The only thing that can travel to and from this place is a hovercraft that some weird, silent kid drives,"

"You don't say,"

At that very moment, said hovercraft dropped down, and a kid with spiky, brown hair jumped out, along with a few others. Nora immediately jumped over to the platform, using Magnets, how-do-they-work-hild for extra lift, then broke the kid's legs, took the hovercraft, and left. She doesn't know how to fly it, but she's Nora, so she'll be fine.

 _An indeterminate amount of space-time later._

Nora reappears immediately outside of Beacon in her sweet new time-traveling hovercar, and touches down beside Ren.

"You wouldn't believe where I've been," she told Ren, "I found a place where you were a vigilante, and you named your superhero persona after me,"

* * *

 **Vale, Several Years Later…**

In the aftermath of that epic clash, Ren's sense of humor was fatally injured, and no one mourned its loss. In fact, after hearing the news, many of the villages near Ren's childhood home held celebrations. Ren's sense of humor's sacrifice was honored with a memorial plaque, right alongside Beacon's greatest heroes: Team BEER, Team LIQR, Team WSKY, and the P-800 who died when she tackled the G-1000 into a vat of molten metal. She was somewhat miffed that her death was for nothing, though, when it turned out that the G-1000 wasn't actually looking to facilitate world domination, at all. In fact, the G-1000 hadn't come from the future at all; it had just been commissioned by Glynda so she could take a long vacation without anyone noticing her disappearance. It seemed to be working splendidly too, aside from a lack of knowledge regarding what could and couldn't be eaten.

With his sense of humor now dead, Ren returned to being a stable, boring person, but never stopped planning his "pranks". After numerous arguments, and with no small amount of hesitation, he finally consented to share the great secret he knew with Nora. Of course, being Nora, she was able to comprehend it perfectly. Insanity keeps its distance from her for its own safety, after all. Upon hearing the words, a light came shining from the sky and fell around her. Nora began slowly levitating toward the source of the light.

"Check it out, Ren," she said, "I'm…ascending." She continued upward, to a higher plane of existence, where various deities roamed.

Ren never doubted that she would be able to understand it, or else, he wouldn't have given in and told her, but Nora was the only person in this universe that he actually cared about, the rest of the world could burn in their respective purgatories, so naturally he was worried about her well-being. He grabbed her ankle, and tried to pull her back down, but the divine force that was calling her would not be denied. Eventually, he lost his grip, and as she went toward the sky, he heard her parting words, barely a whisper,

"You stay. I go. No following,"

The tearful farewell didn't last long, though; Nora stayed up there for all of 15 minutes before she got bored, and returned to the world below. She _may_ also have broken all of their legs. Stuffy deities. She arrived just in time to see Ren sending several packages in the mail. It was a bunch of tickets to Yatsuhashi's homeland. Wonder what that's about.

* * *

 **END**

 **There aren't any deleted scenes this time. I really couldn't afford to cut out any of this, considering that it is entirely original material, and I have little enough as is. In lieu of any deleted scenes, however, have a list of jokes that I couldn't place in.**

 **Unused Jokes:**

"Brace yourselves, Winter is coming."

"You know nothing, Jaune Snow."

"You know nothing, John Qrow."

"Wake up, Neo. The Matrix has you."

Magnemite-hild

Magna Carta-hild

Magnanimous-hild

Weiss uses her summoning ability, Archer appears.

Cardin uses a Holy Hand Grenade to try to ward off Velvet. Spoiler Alert: It doesn't work.

Cardin Owned Count.

Cinder, when activating the virus in the CCT: "The time has come. Execute Order 66"

 **And for that Guest user who wanted, and I quote, "MORE TEAM BEER,"**

Team VDKA

Team LAGR

Team WINE

Team MEAD

Team ALE (They _did_ have four members, once)

Team SAKE

Team SHRY

Team SPRT

Team RUM (Another casualty)

Team CIDR

 **Ozpin's got a lot of time on his hands, okay.**

* * *

 **Well, this is the end. If you still need something to do, then read it over again from the beginning. Maybe you'll catch a joke or reference that you didn't get the first time.**


End file.
